Little cuts

As a child I was taught that as humans we had a certain responsibility to be considerate of each other. I remember being taught that if you can't say anything nice to not say anything at all. The problem in today's world is that that is no longer stressed or has been pushed aside. This becomes all the more an issue if you're transgender because it's not just the intentional slights that we get to deal with but the the unintended ones and the ones we put on ourselves. One day I look in the mirror and I'm content with what I see, then another and I see every flaw. I watch something on TV that has a happy ending or positive situation for a trans character and I am happy and sad and jealous all at the same time.

I have learned to ignore the sideways looks and stare. The whispers behind hands. I expect these things, they are part of my every day life.

What get's to me is not the everyday stuff, it's the one-offs, The unintentional missgendering. It's happened at work with people that have known me only as Vicki, it happened at a restaurant the other night, that slip of the tongue that's like that paper cut. It's not going to kill me, but they build up, one on top of the other, they come from all sides, from friends, from family, from strangers, one after another, after another... There is a security guard at the building that I work at that every time I get close to the front door, he gets up from his desk and walks away. Not an overt act but hurtful none the less. As trans men and women we are judged by the ideals of the genders we present as, the perfect man or woman, we stop being humans and become our genitals, all you have to do is look at the anti-trans rhetoric out there, according to some I am a predator or a pedophile, a freak. Can you imagine going somewhere and having at least a few of the people there consider you a thing, less than human. I am not what they imagine me to be, I'm not saying this to get pity, It's just one more thing that I have to be prepared for. I know I don't match the feminine ideal, I have to say though that I see women every day that don't either. I don't judge them, I am just looking for the same consideration.

 I came to this late in life, I was 50 before I accepted myself and it took another three years to start doing something about it. This is not a trip we take alone, our families come with us as well either in support or in opposition, but the ride we're on is a group one. I have been lucky, I have the love and support of my amazing family, but all too many of us are cast aside. This is not something we choose, the choice we have is to be ourselves or die. I choose to be me, I am happy to be who I am. When one of my sisters saw the pictures I have posted of my true self on Facebook, she commented that I looked happier than she'd seen me be before... One kind word can make all he difference... I am happy...

Hugs and Kisses...

Vicki