I’ve been writing this post for a long time. It’s been bouncing around in the back of my mind doing damage and wrecking my confidence. Now, don’t misunderstand what I’m saying, these are not complaints, it’s my insecurities doing everything in their power to push me back into a box that’s too small for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if others experience the same thing, it’s not a trans thing, well, not exclusively.
I’m going to start with a question, do you ever sit at home and see social media posts from your friends having fun and fume that they didn’t invite you? Does that start a spiral of telling yourself that they really don’t like you? Are you that person that never feels heard in a conversation? Do you take all of those negative thoughts and feelings floating around and invite them in to sit down and have tea with you? See, I do that. I know that I can be the one going out and having fun, inviting people out with me, but I don't. My insecurities keep me home, it's comfortable there. And those same insecurities tell me that no one wants to spend time with a 60-year-old transgender woman. I have entire conversations in my head where I talk about my fears and loves, my dreams and hopes, and all the things I really want to say to someone… in my head. Oh my god, these are some amazing conversations, but no one ever hears.
All of this living in my own head feeds my doubts about what I’m doing and what my future looks like. It also makes me want to stay home rather than going out and doing the things I enjoy. I love rugby and my teammates, it’s an amazing group of women that have accepted me, warts and all, but my brain is working really hard to convince me that I don’t belong there… No ladies, I am not going anywhere, I’m too stubborn to give in… I've said it before, depression is a warm fuzzy blanket made from porcupine quills that we cannot get rid of.
We all see social media posts about not knowing the pain behind other’s eyes. I’m here to tell you, it’s true, we all hide something. There is a sociological concept called dramaturgy proposed by Erving Goffman. It’s the idea that there is a distinct delineation between the front stage and backstage behavior. There is the person we show the world, our front stage selves. This is the person we are with the world at large where there is an audience present. Then there is backstage, the person we are with our friends and families, you know, those people that we trust and are comfortable with. I want to throw in another idea, that of the dressing room. The dressing room is where we sit and put on the face that we show the world. Any of you that were in theater know how stage makeup can drastically your appearance.
I did that for most of my life; I hid myself from the world by playing the role that was expected of me, I put on the stage makeup making me a boy and went out into the world. But I wasn’t just hiding from the world; I was hiding from myself. As I look back on my life, I see all of those instances that were clues that I was too scared to acknowledge. When you live your life hiding, it becomes difficult to allow yourself to be yourself.
I guess I’m a work in progress, and I’m scared of the end result, but I’m going to get there, come hell or high water…
And I have to thank all the wonderful people in my life without whom I would still be playing a role. I especially want to thank my wife who is standing beside me while I go on this journey because she is going through this transition as much as I am.
