I went to a transgender support group this evening, not my first by any means, but I was struck by a feeling of not fitting in. I found it rather odd. I had been going to this same group for a couple of years now and knew most of the attendees, if not by name then by sight. So it wasn't being a stranger in a new situation that was the issue. So now I'm sitting here on my porch, drinking a coffee and listening to the rain on the porch roof. I find that there is a certain feeling of rightness with the rain on the roof. For me it's this primal feeling of being home. As some of you know I live in Colorado, a surprisingly dry place, but I grew up in southern Texas and was born in northern Germany. This is important when you consider that in their own way they are both wet places. Hamburg was cold and wet. The rain would make the world feel clean and fresh. It seemed to amplify and enhance the wonderful smell of baking bread from the end of the block at my grandparents place. Much the same can be said for Houston, except Texas was warmer and I played in the rain.
The it's a purpose the my rambling about rain, the rain helps me think, it let's me look inside myself to see what's there and today it helped me see that the problem was not the group, the problem was me, I had changed, I was more confident and accepting of myself. I'm not going to abandon the group, but rather I am going to see it with new eyes and different expectations.
When I started there I had convinced myself that I was"just" a cross dresser, when I went tonight it was after a year of HRT and close to three months of being full time. I have changed drastically. I have come out to friends and family and have been accepted by both. I came out at work with nary a ripple in the atmosphere there. I have gained confidence, to the extent that it significantly exceeds anything I ever experienced as a man.
When I started there I had convinced myself that I was"just" a cross dresser, when I went tonight it was after a year of HRT and close to three months of being full time. I have changed drastically. I have come out to friends and family and have been accepted by both. I came out at work with nary a ripple in the atmosphere there. I have gained confidence, to the extent that it significantly exceeds anything I ever experienced as a man.
I know I am lucky, so many trans people are cast aside by their families, abandoned by spouses and children, that is not my lot, I have a fabulous family, and their love and support makes me stronger.
So, this evening, listening to the rain, I am content. To my family, thank you cannot fully express my gratitude but it will have to suffice until the right word comes along. To my friends, know that your acceptance means the world to me....
Love Vicki
