Wearing the uniform... a different take...

It's 1978, the war in Vietnam is over, in May of that year I get on a plane to Kentucky. Ft Knox, to be exact. It was the first part of my introduction into the world of the military. I was starting basic training. I spent twelve years in the Army. Twelve years of getting up in the morning and putting on a uniform so that I would fit in with the rest of my unit. Twelve years of making sure that everything was it the right place, what was supposed to shine was glistening and what was to be pressed had creases so sharp they could cut you. I am proud of my time in the Army. I learned a lot, I grew as a person. I also learned how to hide my true self. There have been some recent studies that indicate that as many as 40% (or more) of M to F transgender individuals served in the military, if you add in those of us that went on to be police, fire, and other high risk and hyper masculine professions, I'm sure the number would be significantly higher.

 In addition to all the other things I learned, putting on the uniform is perhaps the most profound. In this case, I use it as more of an analogy than anything else. In my case, I am not out at work, I just started a new job and I'm not comfortable introducing my new co-workers to Vicki (although I expect that they will meet me eventually). In my current circumstance I have come to look upon the clothes I wear to work every day as my “uniform”. My way of blending in, being part of the unit. In this case the uniform regulations are not as stringent as they were in the Army. The rules I was given were that I shouldn't wear it if someone can “see over it, under it, or through it”... A far cry from pressed utilities and spit shined boots, but it does help me keep my sanity...

I suppose that in the interest of keeping my house, and paying my bills, I have put myself back in the closet. Although I was not out at my last job, a number of people know "the secret". So, I suppose that not being out at my new job is not so much a step backward as a continuation of the status quo.  My time between jobs, when I was able to dress daily was eye opening. I learned a lot. I became comfortable with, or at least resigned to, the path my life has taken. I don't know where my path will take me, but I do know that my wife and I are taking Vicki along for the trip.

A week with Vicki.... The Conclusion

That's right folks, my week (Actually nine days) is over, but it's not. It was an interesting time, I learned a lot. I also found out how little I knew (profound, right). The one thing that really stood out for me was how easily I walked out the door and how easily I took insult. Whenever someone in my immediate vicinity giggled, I knew it was about me, I knew they were laughing at me. Except, of course I didn't. I could make an assumption, but that was all. I had no way of knowing what was said or at whom it was directed. I had to come to grips with the fact that I stand out, that I will attract attention (I'm 5' 10", really tall in heels). I was also struck by the number of people that didn't seem to care one way or the other and the number that were gracious and kind.

Now that the experiment is over, are my days dressing over? No, not at all. This has helped me build confidence. I can go anywhere (within reason) and interact with people. Most people are so wrapped up in their day to day lives that they take no notice of the world and people around them, something I was also guilty of, I have started being much more aware of my surroundings and the people that inhabit them. I know that regardless of how my life will unfold, I can be me.

This has been and will continue to be an interesting and eye opening experience, bittersweet and exciting. I did not choose this, all I can do is make the best of it... In the immortal words of Donna Summer, "I will survive". Thanks to the love of my wife, I will thrive, we will thrive...

Vicki

Time for an aside...

If you've been following this blog you know that I've been going full time since last Saturday. One incident stands out for me, not because of how it affected me but rather how I interpreted it. I had a lunch date with a good friend of mine, I had arrived somewhat early (I'm German, it's in my nature) and decided to go and get us a table, it was close to lunch time and didn't want to have to wait to be seated. The hostess was very pleasant and gracious. The waitress, after an over-emphasized initial "ma'am" was pleasant and efficient. Everything one would expect from a well-run restaurant.

My friend was delayed in getting to the restaurant and while I was waiting a woman was seated in the booth across from me, she was also waiting for someone. After five or so minutes her party arrived and they proceeded to move to another table. Now my first thought was that she was moving because I was there, dressed... I've had time to rethink that... how could I possibly know why they moved, maybe they didn't like sitting close to the window, maybe they wanted to be closer to the kitchen... who knows. What I do know is that I cannot assume that my being TG is the reason they moved. Guess what, it's not all about me... It's not all about us... and taking offense for something that we cannot be certain of is the height of conceit. This is a mistake that I will not make again (I hope)...

A week with Vicki... Part 2

First off I need to make a correction, I will be going (mostly) full-time for nine days. So far I've found my time positive. I know that I've been "made" a time or two (I hold not misconceptions regarding my appearance), but at no time have I felt uncomfortable. I went to lunch with a good friend and former co-worker today, it was the first time she had met Vicki in person, always nerve-wracking, it went really well and we had a good talk. On a side note, a lady was placed at the table across the aisle from me, she sat and waited for her friend to arrive, when she did, they ask to be moved, now I can't say for sure it was because of me or some other reason, but it brought to light something in me that I need to acknowledge: just because something happens in proximity to me doesn't mean it's in response to my presence, it's not all about me...

I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin and with that comfort comes confidence... We'll see where this takes me...

A week with Vicki... Part 1

With fear, excitement, trepidation, and exhilaration, I'm undertaking an experiment of sorts. I'm dressing full-time. Now don't get me wrong, I have been out and about before, but this is the first time that I've dressed from morning to night for more than a day, as well as doing mundane daily chores... Including (GASP!) going to Walmart for food, and (another GASP!) interacting with people! I know that it really doesn't sound like a big thing, everyone goes to the store or out to lunch.

My adventure started on this past Saturday when I braved the outside world and drove to a local hamburger joint in order to get us lunch... I got a "sir" at the drive through and a ma'am at the window... I can live with that... Sunday was an even greater adventure when my spouse and I went to a local community center for a Story Time, I'll have to remember  to bring tissues for the next one. Yesterday (Monday) I did the Walmart and today my spouse and I are going out for lunch. Again, nothing earth shattering, except for me, it is... Well, not earth shattering exactly, but profound.We'll see how this week goes and what it means for the future...