I have the opportunity to have my surgeries done for basically the
cost of my annual maximum out of pocket from my insurance. Now this sounds
fantastic, thrilling even, so why does it scare me so much? Some of my concerns
are medical, the dangers involved in having major surgery. This is not what is holding me back.
I am petrified.
The sad truth is that when all of these procedures seemed to be pipe dreams, I
could internalize my body dysphoria. I
really don’t hate my body to the point where it upsets me to look at it,
instead I’ll look at something external, an ad for underwear or swimsuits, and
say to myself that it’s cute, then I get hit with the sledgehammer of a realization
that I will never look right in whatever it is I’m looking at.
In a way, this harkens back
to the distorted body image of the western world. As a woman, you have to look a certain way. As a woman of a certain age, you can no longer wear this or that. If
you’re tall, you wear flats to seem shorter. If you’re short, you wear
platforms to appear taller.
Circling back to the surgeries, in a way I second guess myself. Am I wanting to have the surgery to make my
clothes fit better or am I doing it because not
to do it will eventually push me over the edge? Until I figure this out, I can’t make the decision. So, in
the meantime, I struggle.
Hugs and Kisses
Vicki
