This Christmas has me reflecting on the past year. I know that it's not the New Year yet which is when we normally do these reflections but recent events have given me the need to do so early... The past week has been very difficult for me and my family, on the 18th we had to let our ten year old boxer go, she had a heart condition and was given a 5% chance to survive and we decided it was best to let her go. On the 19th I lost my father to complications from pneumonia, he was 80 years old at the time. All this occurred within a week of Christmas. It is time to recall the great things from the last year.
In the past year I have started HRT. This is one of the defining moment in my life, and marking the point where I start down the path to my true self.
I came out to the most important people in my life, my family. This was the scariest thing I had ever done. They were supportive and accepting and their reactions made me love them all the more..
I'm employed at a company hat is supportive of their trans employees giving me the strength to come out at work. I have talked to HR and will be going full time early next year...
I have a lot to look forward to... I am giving myself the permission to grieve, to give in to the pain of loss. I will not wallow in it, Iwill not let it cripple me, I will continue to live and love and leave myself open to be loved...
Merry Christmas all...
Vicki
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Too late to come out
My father passed away early in the morning on December 18th. My father was the last person on my list to tell about being transgender, I never got the chance to do so. I held off because he was having surgery and I wanted him to concentrate on getting better and now it's too late. This is not a post about his life, our relationship, or my sadness at his passing.
It had been my intention to tell him like I told the rest of my family, by email. Now I know that using email seems like a cop-out, but it's not. Using email (or snail mail) does one thing that calling or doing it in person do not allow for, and that's the opportunity for the other party to think and consider before having to react.
I have been working on the letter to dad for months, since I will never be able to give it to him I want to post it here to share with the universe, and maybe it can help others...
This email is similar to one that I sent my other family members to let them know:
N and I have been working through what this all means to us and our relationship. We do know that we love each other and have no desire to go our separate ways.
I have also talked to the girls, both of whom know. They have been understanding and supportive.
I know you probably have a lot of questions. I will do what I can to answer them. Please understand that I am still trying to come up with answers for myself and may not have instant answers for your questions. I know that N and the girls will also be there for you.
There are also a number of resources online that contain helpful information, one of them is:
http://conversations-with-a-gender-therapist.com
Dara is a local therapist and is very involved with the TG community. She is working closely with all sorts of agencies to spread the word about what being transgender means, and what it does not mean. Transgender is not a familiar concept to most of the community at large, and the more accurate information there is out there, the better it is for everyone.
There are also a number of really good news articles:
This first article is about a 5-yr old boy who actually lived just south of us. The article is very accurate about being TG. It also presents a viewpoint of the “religious” objections to being TG.
http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/about-a-girl-coy-mathis-fight-to-change-change-gender-20131028
This article is about a rock musician's first year living full time as a woman, and includes input from her wife and daughter.
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/exclusive/laura-jane-grace-first-year-as-a-woman
Dad, the thing that most concerns me is that you know that I love you.
Know that I will always be the same person. The person that you raised is not changing, only how I present myself to the world.
I know this is a lot to take in, and that it's coming at you rather suddenly. Write back or call me when you've had some time to think about it all. This is not something I have chosen. It rather chose me instead. I don't think I can be complete and live honestly with myself, or peacefully with myself, without pursuing HRT.
I love you Dad.
U (Vicki)
.
It had been my intention to tell him like I told the rest of my family, by email. Now I know that using email seems like a cop-out, but it's not. Using email (or snail mail) does one thing that calling or doing it in person do not allow for, and that's the opportunity for the other party to think and consider before having to react.
I have been working on the letter to dad for months, since I will never be able to give it to him I want to post it here to share with the universe, and maybe it can help others...
This email is similar to one that I sent my other family members to let them know:
Dad,
I have something to tell you and I'm going to start with a little story as I remember it. I'm not sure of the year or how old I was at the time, but in my mind I was 4 or 5. It was was around Christmas and we were at K's. A and B decided that we were going to put on a little Christmas play. It was decided that I was going to be a donkey or reindeer or something of the sort. In the process of deciding on my costume they decided that I was going to wear a leotard of some type and tights... I fought against it, as though just the thought of it was terrifying. Eventually they got me into what they wanted me to wear. Once they had me dressed, I calmed down and felt a certain peace, it fit, it felt right. In a way, since that time I have been searching for a return to that feeling. In my teens I discovered an enjoyment and comfort in wearing women's clothing. Over time I came to realize that it was not a fetish but a fundamental need to make my outside reflect my inner feelings.
In the end, what it comes down to is that I'm transgender. This is something inherent and not due to any external influences, nothing B and A did made me this way. It's nothing that you and Mom did when I was growing up. This is something that has always been there, something I've battled my entire life. In a lot of ways it's like being left handed. Being left handed doesn't mean that you can't use your right hand. The more you practice the more proficient you become. You can hide the fact, you can even convince everyone that you're right handed, but no matter how long you work at it and try, it will never feel completely right and you will go back to using your left hand. That's where I am now. I have decided that I can no longer lie to myself or the people I love. In order to become right in my own life, I am starting hormone therapy. How that all plays out is difficult to tell at this point, but eventually I will be living full time as a woman.
I have something to tell you and I'm going to start with a little story as I remember it. I'm not sure of the year or how old I was at the time, but in my mind I was 4 or 5. It was was around Christmas and we were at K's. A and B decided that we were going to put on a little Christmas play. It was decided that I was going to be a donkey or reindeer or something of the sort. In the process of deciding on my costume they decided that I was going to wear a leotard of some type and tights... I fought against it, as though just the thought of it was terrifying. Eventually they got me into what they wanted me to wear. Once they had me dressed, I calmed down and felt a certain peace, it fit, it felt right. In a way, since that time I have been searching for a return to that feeling. In my teens I discovered an enjoyment and comfort in wearing women's clothing. Over time I came to realize that it was not a fetish but a fundamental need to make my outside reflect my inner feelings.
In the end, what it comes down to is that I'm transgender. This is something inherent and not due to any external influences, nothing B and A did made me this way. It's nothing that you and Mom did when I was growing up. This is something that has always been there, something I've battled my entire life. In a lot of ways it's like being left handed. Being left handed doesn't mean that you can't use your right hand. The more you practice the more proficient you become. You can hide the fact, you can even convince everyone that you're right handed, but no matter how long you work at it and try, it will never feel completely right and you will go back to using your left hand. That's where I am now. I have decided that I can no longer lie to myself or the people I love. In order to become right in my own life, I am starting hormone therapy. How that all plays out is difficult to tell at this point, but eventually I will be living full time as a woman.
There are
many different interpretations of the word “transgender” and I
want to let you know what it means to me, the context from which I am
speaking. To me it means that the “me” I feel inside is not
reflected by my external sexual characteristics. Gender and sex are
two very different things, as I have come to realize. It has nothing
to do with sexual orientation. Here is where things get complicated
and confusing, I don't "feel like a woman" any more than I
"feel like a man", I feel like me and I feel right,
comfortable, and happy presenting as female. Please understand, I am
not a drag queen, I'm not flamboyant and over the top. Ideally I want
to be able to go about in the world unnoticed, as if I have presented
as a woman since birth. I do not want to stand out. I just want to
live an everyday life, looking as I see myself in my mind's eye.
N and I have been working through what this all means to us and our relationship. We do know that we love each other and have no desire to go our separate ways.
I have also talked to the girls, both of whom know. They have been understanding and supportive.
I know you probably have a lot of questions. I will do what I can to answer them. Please understand that I am still trying to come up with answers for myself and may not have instant answers for your questions. I know that N and the girls will also be there for you.
There are also a number of resources online that contain helpful information, one of them is:
http://conversations-with-a-gender-therapist.com
Dara is a local therapist and is very involved with the TG community. She is working closely with all sorts of agencies to spread the word about what being transgender means, and what it does not mean. Transgender is not a familiar concept to most of the community at large, and the more accurate information there is out there, the better it is for everyone.
There are also a number of really good news articles:
This first article is about a 5-yr old boy who actually lived just south of us. The article is very accurate about being TG. It also presents a viewpoint of the “religious” objections to being TG.
http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/about-a-girl-coy-mathis-fight-to-change-change-gender-20131028
This article is about a rock musician's first year living full time as a woman, and includes input from her wife and daughter.
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/exclusive/laura-jane-grace-first-year-as-a-woman
Dad, the thing that most concerns me is that you know that I love you.
Know that I will always be the same person. The person that you raised is not changing, only how I present myself to the world.
I know this is a lot to take in, and that it's coming at you rather suddenly. Write back or call me when you've had some time to think about it all. This is not something I have chosen. It rather chose me instead. I don't think I can be complete and live honestly with myself, or peacefully with myself, without pursuing HRT.
I love you Dad.
U (Vicki)
.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Being
Websters defines Being as: 1) a living thing 2) the state of existing 3) the most important or basic part of a person's mind or self.
It is a very simple word with profound implications. As gender non-conforming individuals, we have a myriad of terms that we use to describe ourselves and how we present. The term I tended to use most was "Dressing" and all it's variations. The problem with the term dressing, or even "En Fem", is that it implies a transitory state, as though it was a phase or something done for a specific period. Transgenderism is not transitory, it is not something we do, it is who we are. I know we all approach it differently, but in all cases it is something we cannot deny.
I had been struggling with a way to see myself in my own mind as well as how to describe myself to others. That brings us to this morning, my wife and I were sitting in bed watching "Sunday Morning" with our kids (two dogs and two cats) spread out before us, sleeping, when I sighed one too many times and my wife ask me what I was sighing about. I explained my dilemma to her and her response blew me away. the word she used was Being. That is indeed what I am, I am being me, with all my flaws and quirks. I am not pretending to be someone I am not. I am being...
Thank you love!
Hugs...
Vicki
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
I took another step down my path. On Tuesday I went to human resources and told them that I was transgender and that I was going to go full time when we have our next shift change. So in about 4 months I'll be out at work. I was scared to death, shaking even, as I walked to the HR office. I ask to speak with someone privately, and when we got to the room I jumped right in, saying that I was Transgender. The reaction I got was great and reassuring, it was an offer to help. I left HR feeling euphoric. Now don't misunderstand, I still have to work myself up to going to work as Vicki. I know that I have been going out in public for some time now, but this is different, out in the world at large I am interacting with strangers, at work I am interacting with people I know; people that have know me as male for the last year. I expect that there will be some people freaked out by my change, and there will be others that are supportive.
To those that find it difficult to accept that I have to pursue this path and begin avoiding me, I say, I understand. I know that changes like these in people we feel we know cause us to question ourselves and out perceptions. I will be sad to see you go, but I want to thank you for your friendship to this point.
To those that feel the need to ridicule and belittle me, I know those feelings as well, all that I ask is that you show me the same respect that I show you. You don't have to like me, or associate with me, that's fine. What I will not stand for and will fight against to the end is deliberate cruelty.
To those that accept my change and want to continue to be my friends, all I can say is Thank You!!
Now I know that this is still a ways away, and I'm sure that I will revisit and refine these thoughts between now and then, I know that fundamentally they will not change.
Hugs...
Vicki
To those that find it difficult to accept that I have to pursue this path and begin avoiding me, I say, I understand. I know that changes like these in people we feel we know cause us to question ourselves and out perceptions. I will be sad to see you go, but I want to thank you for your friendship to this point.
To those that feel the need to ridicule and belittle me, I know those feelings as well, all that I ask is that you show me the same respect that I show you. You don't have to like me, or associate with me, that's fine. What I will not stand for and will fight against to the end is deliberate cruelty.
To those that accept my change and want to continue to be my friends, all I can say is Thank You!!
Now I know that this is still a ways away, and I'm sure that I will revisit and refine these thoughts between now and then, I know that fundamentally they will not change.
Hugs...
Vicki
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