Things that make you go "Hmmmm"

Why is the focus on "Same-sex Marriage"? Don't get me wrong, I strongly believe that all of us are entitled the same rights and marriage is among them, but it misses the point. Being treated equally regardless of our gender expression or sexuality is much more important. The focus needs to be on equal rights for all of us regardless of our minority. To my mind, overturning DOMA is much more profound and important.

Let's talk about the bathroom issue. Somehow a transgendered person going to the bathroom is supposedly a sexual event. Now think this through, for most trans people the simple act of going to the bathroom is an exercise in courage. The last thing we want to do is stand out. Assuming that it has anything more to do than voiding our respective bladders is preposterous. If it were true then the same would have to apply the gays and lesbians; but that's not the case for them any more than it is for us. (I'm sure that some of you will take offense at the thought) 

Did you know the for most of the country, I could be fired or evicted from my home just for being transgender... Think about that. 

First stab at a book review

I'm a voracious reader, well I used to be until television got me back into it's nasty grasp again. I fought my way clear long enough to be able to pick up a book to read. Like most of TGs I search incessantly for information on cross dressing and transgenrerism, with a mixed bag of success. Some books give tasty little tidbits of wonderful information interspersed with gobs of drivel, a lot of them don't even bother with the tasty tidbits. I've read "My Husband Betty" and "She's not the Man I Married" and found them both informative and well written, but they never clicked with me the way that Jennifer Boylan's "She's Not There" did. I won't go into detail, what resonated for me may not even get a twinge from you, but if you are looking for a glimpse into what it's like to be TG, or someone to relate to that is traveling a similar road to your own, "She's Not There" is the book for you.

Fear and self-loathing

 Fear and uncertainty rule my life. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that I'm not the only one that feels like that. For me it's because I don't know where I'm going to end up at the end of my journey. I'm not taking hormones and other than shaving everything except for my head, I haven't made any changes, and therein lies my problem. I'm sitting and look down at my chest and I'm disappointed... My natural breasts are too small and my breast forms don't look or feel right. I want to feel the weight and movement, the feel of the fabric against my skin. Now as I think about this I wonder if this is a need to change my body to match how I feel or is this a manifestation of a need to be accurate in my cross dressing... Am I a cross dresser, a Transsexual or something in between... I am uncertain... Is it vanity or a true need? How do I tell the difference?

I am on the horns of a dilemma and it's awfully uncomfortable....

A number of years ago, I was married to my now ex - wife and I had this recurring dream or fantasy... My dream was that I would be able to swap bodies at will, swap between male and female bodies specifically. I would be able to experience the same sensations that she would feel. It started out being a sexual fantasy, wanting to feel what she felt. The dream grew and morphed, eventually it became wanting to know the feeling of having breasts and a vagina. Pure fantasy, I know. It was something that could only exist in a dream.

At the time I didn’t realize the significance of these dreams, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Since coming to realize that I was transgendered I can see all of the little cues in my past, all those little things that said I was different.

The scarey thing about being transgender is that unlike my dream, it's a one way trip, once I commit to being Vicki, there is no going back, I can't un-tell all the people I shared this secret with, I can't change the pain and fear I caused them. It scares me to the very root of my being, it makes me question myself and what I feel, is this real or just some bazar psychological manifestation... And yet, after I told one of my sisters, she looked at my Facebook page and commented on how much happier I looked as Vicki than my male self.

So that leads me to come to this realization. This path that we are on is twisted and convoluted, filled with sinkholes, sharp bends, and roadblocks. At the end of our journey we are not guaranteed happiness or contentment, only survival... We have to be the ones that give ourselves the permission to be happy... I intend to be happy... Anything less would be an insult to all my friends and family that continue to love and support me...

To all of you, THANK YOU! I love you all!

Over last weekend, I came to an interesting conclusion... Three days without dressing is stressful. Now I really didn't set out to not dress for three days, it just sort of happened that way. To start of on Friday, my SO and I spent the daylight hours after work loading brush from our yard into my truck so that we could take it to a place that uses it for mulch the next morning. By the time we were done we were both hot and sweaty, I was not in the mood to change at that point. Saturday was much the same in that we dropped off the load (more hot and sweaty, not very conducive to dressing). Yes I did shower and I could certainly have changed after returning home, but I decided to stay in guy mode. Now dawns Sunday, bright and warm and sunny... This gave me a conundrum, do I dress or do we go out (While one does not exclude the other, I hesitate to go out during the day)... I chose to not dress, not something I regretted doing, but it did cause me a bit of stress. This stress escalated throughout the day and I dealt with it. I wound up feeling uncomfortable and out of sorts. This is not a new feeling, previously I would feel this pressure when I hadn't dressed for a week or more, this was the first time that I had this strong a reaction after so short a time.

Hi all, it's Vicki again... I'll be updating the the name of my blog here in the near future, I haven't decided what to call it yet, so if you have any reasonable suggestions, please feel free, your input is welcome.

Wow! Has it really been almost a year? I'm shocked. Well  a lot has happened in the intervening months... So much so that I feel the need to rename myself. Bobbie was a childhood name for me and I really needed to find an identity that embraces who I am now. So Bobbie is becoming Victoria... Victoria Addams... Vicki for short...