A WOW moment

I had the most amazing experience the other day. A woman that I had known when we were both much younger sent me a message on Facebook. The message absolutely blew me away.

It left me speechless... And it has made my day, my week, even my year, and it will be something I will revisit when I start getting down on myself. It was positive message in a time when it seems that negativity rules in the world. One positive statement, one happy thing to hold on to, can make all the difference in the world. I'm lucky in that my friends and family are supportive, but there are too many others out there that aren't as lucky as I am. Think about it, one little statement is all it takes. If I think through my day, how many times each day, with my interactions with others, can I say or do something that will make their day a little more positive? How will that positive mindset towards others impact me? Will it make me more positive? It's a snowball and we may be just the beginning of it, that first flake (punny right?) that grows and grows rolling down the hill.

Be that flake... I intend to...

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Time to catch up

It's been six months that I've been full time. Is that right, six months? Time flies. Being out at work was my last hurdle and I crossed it on March 1st. There was quite a bit of trepidation  on that first day, by that time I had been working there for better than a year, so this was a major change. Other than a couple of asides or non-specific comments it's been a smooth transition. I work in a call center and the company I work for does a shift bid every six months, so I just started with my second realignment as Vicki. I did have some nerves the first day of this new shift and team, but it was wasted effort because it went well.

I also went to my sister's wedding, it was the first time any of my extended family had met me as Vicki. I was so scared... Also for naught... I have an amazing family, accepting and loving. The only time I felt uncomfortable was wearing a swimsuit, I know the visual is just to much. The discomfort was all mine. The wedding was an awesome affair, the bride stunning and the groom obviously in love... I wish them all the best.

Right now my biggest challenge is the glacial pace of change at this point in my transition. I keep thinking I'm running a sprint when in actuality I'm just in the beginning stages of a marathon. I'm just too impatient to be a marathon runner, I want it all now! I should know better, I'm not exactly a teenager, but damnit I've been waiting most of my life to finally be me that every minute spent getting there feels like time stolen from me. See, there I go being melodramatic.

I'm finally at a point in my life when I can say that I'm on the right path. I have to force myself to take my time and enjoy the journey, I need to stop and smell the flowers along the way, to relish what I'm growing into. Most of my generation will change careers at this stage in their lives, in my case I am changing too, but in a much more profound and fundamental way in that I'm becoming the me I should have always been. I did a bit of looking at my family tree, my aunt's first child was a girl, my uncle's first child was a girl, my father's first child from his second marriage was a girl, now I know enough about biology to understand how random the gender of a child is, but I can't help thinking that I should have been a girl too...

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

The trip

In a couple of days I am going to embark on another first in my life. It will be the first time that I travel as my true self. I am not afraid to admit that I am nervous, I will be flying to Ohio for my sister's wedding. Now my nervousness is not related to this being the first time that most of my extended family will meet Vicki, it will go how it goes, people will think what they think, and they will accept me or not. This is their choice. I have no choice but to be who I am. I just don't want to be a distraction, this is my sister's wedding, I want the focus to be on her and her husband-to-be.

My nervousness mainly comes from the travel. So, a little history, I have been making long trips in airplanes since I was very young. I have traveled to countries where I didn't speak the language, I traveled on my own and with my family.  In other words, I have plenty of experience with travel and airports. I will have a lengthy layover in Atlanta, longer coming back than going and it's those layovers that concern me. I'm stressing over the bathroom to use, and where do I hang out waiting for my next flight... I know I'm just being paranoid, but I can't help it. I have gotten my gender marker changed on my driver's licence, so at least that will make things a bit easier. I guess that my concern really comes from the fact that I will not be in familiar surroundings and situations. I'll just have to get over it.

Hugs...

Vicki

The Support Group

I went to a transgender support group this evening, not my first by any means, but I was struck by a feeling of not fitting in. I found it rather odd.  I had been going to this same group for a couple of years now and knew most of the attendees, if not by name then by sight. So it wasn't being a stranger in a new situation that was the issue. So now I'm sitting here on my porch, drinking a coffee and listening to the rain on the porch roof. I find that there is a certain feeling of rightness with the rain  on the roof.  For me it's this primal feeling of being home. As some of you know I live in Colorado, a surprisingly dry place, but I grew up in southern Texas and was born in northern Germany. This is important when you consider that in their own way they are both wet places. Hamburg was cold and wet. The rain would make the world feel clean and fresh. It seemed to amplify and enhance the wonderful smell of baking bread from the end of the block at my grandparents place. Much the same can be said for Houston, except Texas was warmer and I played in the rain. 

The it's a purpose the my rambling about rain, the rain helps me think, it let's me look inside myself to see what's there and today it helped me see that the problem was not the group, the problem was me, I had changed, I was more confident and accepting of myself. I'm not going to abandon the group, but rather I am going to see it with new eyes and different expectations.

When I started there I had convinced myself that I was"just" a cross dresser, when I went tonight it was after a year of HRT and close to three months of being full time. I have changed drastically. I have come out to friends and family and have been accepted by both. I came out at work with nary a ripple in the atmosphere there. I have gained confidence, to the extent that it significantly exceeds anything I ever experienced as a man. 

I know I am lucky, so many trans people are cast aside by their families, abandoned by spouses and children, that is not my lot, I have a fabulous family, and their love and support makes me stronger. 

So, this evening, listening to the rain, I am content. To my family, thank you cannot fully express my gratitude but it will have to suffice until the right word comes along. To my friends, know that your acceptance means the world to me....

Love Vicki 

one week on. ..

So,  it's been a week now. All my paranoia was for naught. If there are people that are offended by my new status, they are keeping it to themselves. The dreaded bathroom has not been an issue, mainly because it seems that I'm going when no one else is. Now I realize that it's not really a test if I'm the only one in the bathroom,but on the other hand I am using the bathroom that corresponds to my gender expression. I  am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel that it has almost been too smooth a tradition. I'm not trying to jinx myself, but I expected something and so far is been anticlimactic.

The counterpoint to that is that the company I work for its very supportive of LGBT persons. In any case, I'm thrilled with how is gone.  I really have to thank all the people in my life that have supported me and continue to support me on this journey.  I love you all!

Hugs. ...

Vicki

The final obstacle

My first inkling that I was different was around the age of five or six. There had been several other incidents throughout the years but I spent the years fighting against it. It took me until my fifties to come to grips with being transgender. I have finally reached the point in my life where I am confident enough to be me.

That pivotal part of my journey has begun. This past Sunday I came out at work. Work was that final hurdle I had to overcome and I did it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared, I'm still scared, but I overcome the fear every day and every day it gets better and easier. All in all my experience at work has been great. I have great co-workers and an awesome supervisor and the company I work for fosters an environment of acceptance.

I'm  happy, thrilled, excited.

Hugs and kisses

Vicki

Listening to the radio

There's a line in a song that goes:

          "What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us?"

Well, according to my recollection of the Bible, he is, we were made in his image. I'm not a religious person, I haven't attended church services in a very long time and quite frankly I have no intention of starting now. Having said that, as a trans person it behooves us to know what ammunition is being used against us, it just takes a simple search of the internet to get plenty of religious quotes that cover being trans; by my count there are 6 total, three in support of my gender choice two against, and one neutral (my interpretation). By my count that puts the in support of in the lead (simple math in my book). To tell he truth, I don't care, The bible is open to interpretation, we can start with the statement that we are created in God's image, in that case, god made me this way and am I not going against his plan by rebelling against how he made me? More importantly, there are quotes in the bible that support transgender expression, most specifically Galatians 3:28 "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave[a] nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

There are so many more problems in the world, so many more greater sins. Where are the protests against greed and gluttony? Could it be that the people that protest against me having equal rights are more interested in getting fat and rich than they are in saving souls? If they point the finger at me then they are looked at with the same scrutiny. It's call misdirection, magicians and charlatans have been using it to trick people for eons.

Just remember "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" my sins are between me and my God, whoever he or she may be.

Hugs...

Vicki

Thought of the day...

As a rule I shy away from the two most controversial topics, wearing white after Labor Day and which fork to use first, as for the first one, do as you wish, they are your clothes and for the second, work from the outside in. Having cleared that up, I now want to move on to what is really important, and the true most controversial topics, politics and religion. I am not going to wax profoundly on which party should be in power or which religion is best. As human beings we are in constant competition with each other in one way or another, our version of our beliefs are always right and the best. Of course my beliefs are the right ones, for me... As your beliefs are the right ones for you. As much as each of us are right, your beliefs may not be the right ones for me. As a soldier I was prepared to defend to the death your right to believe the way you do, right up to the point where your beliefs threatened another group.

As a nation we are currently in a battle that will shape our future, I hope that history will not judge us too harshly. The fanaticism that we see around the world is costing the lives and freedoms of all manner of marginal and minority groups. In this country, supposedly the freest and most forward thinking in the world, we are still debating whether or not a minority group has the right to marry, or another has equal right to access the most basic rights, those of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. I am a transgender individual, I am lucky enough to live in a state where my right of access is guaranteed by state law, but as a trans individual I still fear discrimination and violence. I've been lucky so far, I have not experienced the hatred focused on us as a group. I ask for nothing more that the right to exist and be happy.

This is where the fanaticism comes into play, around the world, fanatical individuals and groups are bent on the destruction of anything or anyone that does not fit into their narrow definition of what the world should look like, This fanaticism is not limited to the terror groups in the middle east, we have them right here in the USA, and similar groups exist in other countries as well. The right for individuals to live and love is under attack because we do not fit in someone's narrow definition of the human experience. In parts of the country being trans could see me loose my job, my home, and possibly my freedom. In these same areas, if I were to be physically assaulted, it would be assumed to be my fault for being trans. I am by no means indicating that we should fling open the doors to what is acceptable, there is nothing that I do that hurts another individual, I do not advocate for those behaviors that we sometimes hear lumped together with us, gay marriage does not equate to bestiality, nor does being transgender make me a pedophile or molester. Sorry folks, when I walk into the women's restroom, it's because I need the restroom. All of the energy that is put into denying basic rights to people that are doing nothing more than trying to survive could be better focused on bettering the lives of society as a whole.

I am transgender, I am proud to be who I am, and I am not afraid to live my life as honestly as I can. You do not have to like me, or what I represent, but you do not have the right to tell me that I cannot be who I am any more than I would tell you the same.

Hugs...

Vicki

Almost that time!

I'm rapidly coming up on the time that I'll be going full time, in other words coming out at work. I have two words for that: I'm SCARED! My employer has regularly scheduled shift bids where everyone has to bid for a new shift. I figured this was the best time for me to start going to work as Vicki. I have a whole plan around it, I'm going to get my hair done, change the color and a bit of styling. Not anything to drastic, mind you, the color will be red, as for the style, it has to be something easy to maintain. We'll see how that turns out. 

The thing is, now that I've made the decision to come out at work and given it a time frame, I'm getting anxious, impatient even. I'm ready now. I just really don't know what to expect, what will the reactions of my co-workers be? Or for that matter my bosses? The company I work for is noted for being open and accepting, in fact they score 100 on the HRC ( http://www.hrc.org/ ) Corporate Equality Index ( http://www.hrc.org/campaigns/corporate-equality-index ) and have scored well for a number of years. The problem is that on a day to day basis I deal with individuals not corporations and it's that interaction with individuals that I am concerned about. 

In a lot of ways the attitude and corporate mindset influences how the employees behave and interact, all I can do is hope that the atmosphere of openness and culture of inclusion are enough...

Hugs...

Vicki