A goodbye...

Today's post is not about dressing, to day I want to talk about something off topic, but I need to share it in any case... Fifteen years ago, my spouse and I took into our family a new addition. She was all cute and fuzzy and wiggly, and we decided to call her Belle. We had to go back twice, but she was the one. The place was Pets on Parade, it was located at a now defunct pet food store here in town, the event occurred once a month and allowed people to bring their animals to a location for sale. I don't remember what we paid for her, my spouse has a better head for numbers and such, but I can tell you that she was worth every penny. She filled our lives with love and joy and play. Belle was a Blue Merl Australian Shepard and we love her.

The reason I bring this up is that we had to let her go yesterday, she was no longer able to support her own weight, eating had become a challenge, and she was deaf. It pained us to watch her rapid deterioration, but we were hopeful that with medications she would bounce back, she didn't. It became our chore to decide for her that it was time, it became our expression of the love we felt for her to be with her as she slipped away from us...

We love you Belle, and we miss you... I hope you are chasing all the squirrels you want and have great big bed to sleep in...

I find myself in a bout of self reflection, again unsure of my path in life. I've read a number of books and articles on transgenderism and transsexualism and predominantly the person writing has a definite self awareness of being in the wrong body. They know (or at least claim to know) beyond any shadow of a doubt that they need to transition. I envy their certainty, I don't have that. In my case it may just be a function of coming so late to the realization that I'm more comfortable in women's clothes, I didn't start wearing them until three years ago, at the age of fifty. Oh I played around, wearing my mother's castoff clothes (I was a lot skinnier back then), but that didn't have the same impact on me as my more recent foray into dressing. Currently I come home from work, give my wife a hug and a kiss, and head to the bedroom to get "comfortable". These days getting comfortable means a tank top, skirt, and breast forms. I skip the makeup and wig, there’s little need since we usually stay home.

I have come to the realization that I am me, the same person regardless of the clothes I wear. This simple fact is what leads me to my insecurity and makes me question myself... If I am always "me" then why do I need to dress? Why do I feel incomplete and out of place until I change my clothes? What is driving me in this direction? I don't know. I wonder if this is the clue that tells me that I need to be Vicki full time (yes I mean transitioning). On the other hand it could be an indication that I don't, that I can thrive in this sort of limbo I find myself in. I really don't know, and more frightening is that I don't know how to find out or make that decision. I am going to a counselor to try and work through this, to come to that point where I can be decisive about my gender. At least that's what I hope will be the end result!

Awake again, I've had another one of those nights when my brain will not stop. I should actually be out running, but instead I sit in front of my computer and blog, lucky you :)

Our couples counselor pointed out to us (Yes I am married. Yes she knows) that taking all the random thoughts we have and inviting them for tea is a problem. I do this really well, I invite them in, feed and nurture them, give them a nice comfortable place to live where they can spread the toxic fumes. I have entire conversations in my head, the whole "If I had only said this then you would have said that, and I would have been the winner" conversation. These things lead us nowhere, they are not productive in any sense of the imagination and only work to further our own fears and phobias.

So, I have decided to work on evicting them, one by one, it's going to be hard and messy and painful. They've been there so long that they have become a fixture in my mind...

Now I know you're asking yourself, what does this have to do with cross dressing or trangenderism, well, think about it, when it comes time to tell someone, what do you do? I know what I do, I have the entire conversation in my mind, I know every response they are going to give, except that I don't, and in the end I never have the conversation because I've scared myself out of it. This is unfair to the person and toxic to me (Or you). It really comes down to respecting them enough to let them make their own decision, some will accept you, some will reject you. That is their decision.

What most people never recognize is that the person we are every day, and have been for most of our lives isn't changing, but rather is being given the chance to see the light of day. I don't have a split personality, one of the male and the other female, I have one and it is there all the time. So when Vicki is around, I'm still me...

Okay, enough of this early morning rambling...

Hugs and Kisses... Vicki