The Horny Dilemma

I have the opportunity to have my surgeries done for basically the cost of my annual maximum out of pocket from my insurance. Now this sounds fantastic, thrilling even, so why does it scare me so much? Some of my concerns are medical, the dangers involved in having major surgery. This is not what is holding me back. 

I am petrified. The sad truth is that when all of these procedures seemed to be pipe dreams, I could internalize my body dysphoria. I really don’t hate my body to the point where it upsets me to look at it, instead I’ll look at something external, an ad for underwear or swimsuits, and say to myself that it’s cute, then I get hit with the sledgehammer of a realization that I will never look right in whatever it is I’m looking at.

In a way, this harkens back to the distorted body image of the western world. As a woman, you have to look a certain way. As a woman of a certain age, you can no longer wear this or that. If you’re tall, you wear flats to seem shorter. If you’re short, you wear platforms to appear taller.

Circling back to the surgeries, in a way I second guess myself. Am I wanting to have the surgery to make my clothes fit better or am I doing it because not to do it will eventually push me over the edge? Until I figure this out, I can’t make the decision. So, in the meantime, I struggle.

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Another take on inclusion

     Inclusion, when we're talking about the LGBTQI community, refers to the inclusion in society as a whole. That’s not the inclusion I want to talk about today. Trans men and women often find ourselves alone and isolated simply because we are Trans. We may be shunned by friends and family; we may even lose our livelihood and homes. All in all, not a happy situation.

What I want to talk about is the regular day to day inclusion that can make all the difference in the world.  When we presented fully as our perceived genders, we were invited to parties and gatherings, well, most of the time. We were included in the lives of those around us. When we come out as trans that all stops to varying degrees. People are uncomfortable inviting us to their parties because we are so different. Now, here comes a further complication, what gatherings do we fit in to? Do you invite a Trans woman to a bridal or baby shower? Or a Trans man to go on a hunting or camping trip? Where do we belong?

       I know where I like to think where I belong, all of the above. I promise I won’t look dress like a drag performer for your party or event. I promise I won’t shy away from baiting a hook. And just another point when you think about that friend or family member that just came out as Trans, the person that you knew is still there, the personality that made you click with that person, to begin with, it still there, if anything more so because we are finally able to live the lives we always should have had; it’s just the outside that’s changing.

      So the next time you make out that list of people you want to include, don’t forget us.

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Are we going backwards?

I’m angry, and sad, and scared, and baffled. I you want to know why, just look at the news. Transgender people are being vilified. We are being told that our right to take care of a basic human need endangers others. That we are violating a basic right to privacy. Really? How is me going to the bathroom going to do any of that? I am not a threat; neither are other trans people. For the most part I am so scared to go to the bathroom that I go in, do my business, wash my hands and get out. I try not to make eye contact. I try to be as inconspicuous as possible. Endangering others? How so? So far the only non-trans men that are using the trans inclusive policies are those associated with that hate group the American Family Association, they are sending men to test the inclusive policy at Target stores. When you look at the news, the people that are in danger are the trans people of this country. Have you seen the video of the woman attacking the trans person on the subway while a train full of people did NOTHING?????

The reason that the suicide rate for trans people is so high is because was feel that we are alone in the fight and sometime it just gets too hard. The despair is too great. There is no one there to help us through it. I’m very lucky, I live in a state where there are protections in place, I work for a company that supports me, and I have a wife that loves me.

We are not the problem. When you look at the statistics, violence and abuse is most likely to come from a family member for from a person in a position of responsibility. It’s the coach, the uncle, the step-father, the teacher. I’m by no means lumping the good with the bad any more than I want to be associated with molesters and pedophiles.

For the first time since I came out at trans, I’m actually worried about my personal safety. I get more unfriendly looks than before. Think about it.

A point to ponder

I’m a glutton for punishment. That’s really the only way to describe it. I read the negative stories regarding transgender people in the news. You know the ones, they liken us to sexual predators and pedophiles and any number of other reprehensible things. Recently I’ve seen an uptick in referring to us as having a mental illness. Now I totally disagree with that concept, but let’s just take a moment to look at their argument. According to the people that say we have a mental illness, we should seek treatment in order to facilitate a cure. They imply that mental health professionals can help us become the man or woman we were born to be.

Guess what, that’s exactly what the counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists we go to see are already doing. They are doing it without the stigma of mental illness, they help us come to terms with the hardest realization of our lives, and they give us a course of treatment that does make us be the man or woman we were our entire lives. It’s just that what they help us see and become is not what the people that see us as mentally ill want us to be. We become our true gender. You see, I didn’t chose to be a woman, none of us chose to be transgender, if there was a choice, it was to live. For a great majority of us the choice is between transitioning or death. I choose to live, as my true self. 

 

Hugs and Kisses…

Vicki

Anniversary...

One year ago on March 1st Vicki walked into the call center for the first time. I had been out in the world before for at least six months  prior, but March 1st was the watershed moment for me when I crossed that last hurdle. Coming out at work was super hard, my imagination was on overdrive. I knew that my world would com crashing down on me and I would lose my job, my friends, etc... None of that happened of course. If anything is was more of a whimper than a bang. I am now approaching my third shift realignment as Vicki, another new team, and another group of people that are meting me for the first time.

In case you haven't guessed, this is rather stressful, it's easy to show up every day for the same people, you know how they are going to react and behave. Every time I put myself in a new situation or meet new people my mind immediately starts expecting the worst. Now this doesn't come to pass, well at least not to this point. I spend a lot of time worrying about things that never happen. It takes a lot of energy too, energy that I could be using to better effect elsewhere. Writing, or knitting, or sewing, things that I enjoy doing.

So this time I'm not going to worry, which is easier said than done, I am going to focus on the positives, I'll be able to spend more time with my family. I will be able to be more physically active. I'll be able to spend my energy on improving my world. So for this anniversary I am giving myself the gift of a positive outlook and the knowledge of a bright future...

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

Little cuts

As a child I was taught that as humans we had a certain responsibility to be considerate of each other. I remember being taught that if you can't say anything nice to not say anything at all. The problem in today's world is that that is no longer stressed or has been pushed aside. This becomes all the more an issue if you're transgender because it's not just the intentional slights that we get to deal with but the the unintended ones and the ones we put on ourselves. One day I look in the mirror and I'm content with what I see, then another and I see every flaw. I watch something on TV that has a happy ending or positive situation for a trans character and I am happy and sad and jealous all at the same time.

I have learned to ignore the sideways looks and stare. The whispers behind hands. I expect these things, they are part of my every day life.

What get's to me is not the everyday stuff, it's the one-offs, The unintentional missgendering. It's happened at work with people that have known me only as Vicki, it happened at a restaurant the other night, that slip of the tongue that's like that paper cut. It's not going to kill me, but they build up, one on top of the other, they come from all sides, from friends, from family, from strangers, one after another, after another... There is a security guard at the building that I work at that every time I get close to the front door, he gets up from his desk and walks away. Not an overt act but hurtful none the less. As trans men and women we are judged by the ideals of the genders we present as, the perfect man or woman, we stop being humans and become our genitals, all you have to do is look at the anti-trans rhetoric out there, according to some I am a predator or a pedophile, a freak. Can you imagine going somewhere and having at least a few of the people there consider you a thing, less than human. I am not what they imagine me to be, I'm not saying this to get pity, It's just one more thing that I have to be prepared for. I know I don't match the feminine ideal, I have to say though that I see women every day that don't either. I don't judge them, I am just looking for the same consideration.

 I came to this late in life, I was 50 before I accepted myself and it took another three years to start doing something about it. This is not a trip we take alone, our families come with us as well either in support or in opposition, but the ride we're on is a group one. I have been lucky, I have the love and support of my amazing family, but all too many of us are cast aside. This is not something we choose, the choice we have is to be ourselves or die. I choose to be me, I am happy to be who I am. When one of my sisters saw the pictures I have posted of my true self on Facebook, she commented that I looked happier than she'd seen me be before... One kind word can make all he difference... I am happy...

Hugs and Kisses...

Vicki