I was afraid to go to sleep on August 31st.

 

I was afraid to go to sleep on August 31^st. I was scared I was going to miss the alarm the next morning. The alarm that was going to start me on the way to Denver for my surgery. This day had been a long time coming. When I was first put on the waiting list, it was going to be three years before I could have my gender confirmation surgery. Three years to wait to have my body and mind in harmony. Then I got a call; my surgery had been moved up. It was going to happen in June or 2020. The time was cut in half! Then more good news, it would now be in April! Well, we all know what happened around that timeframe. The dumpster fire that was 2020 was starting to rear its ugly head. I was driving to Denver for my pre-operative appointment when I got a call from the clinic telling me that my appointment had been canceled and that my surgery was postponed until November. I was going to have to wait another six months, and even that was tentative. I was crushed, and the news sent me down a depressive spiral that I’m still working my way out of.

In the long run, things worked out, the stars aligned, and my surgery was scheduled for September 1^st. So, here we are, where I started this, worrying on the last day of August that I wasn’t going to wake up on time and miss my appointment. Luckily, and with the help of my wife, I didn’t sleep through the alarm. We both got up and did all the prep that I had to do before my surgery, and we made it to the hospital with time to spare. We were still in a time of COVID, so my wife wasn’t allowed to be with me in the pre-op room, they did let her be in the surgical waiting room, though, and the surgical team did keep her advised of how things were going. The surgery was scheduled for six hours, but it was finished in under five. Dr. Hyer, my surgeon, told me more than once that I was an overachiever, starting with the surgery and continuing through my recovery in the hospital.

So here comes the medical part; you can skip this paragraph if you want. I know that some might read this that find these topics uncomfortable. There are variations in the surgery. These differences vary from surgeon to surgeon and have their roots in the surgeon that taught them (there are a lot of surgeons in that sentence). In my case, Dr. Hyer learned from Dr. Marcy Bowers, who has been doing this surgery for decades. I opted for a full-depth vaginoplasty, the other option being a minimal depth vaginoplasty. The technique that was used was a penile inversion. This is where the skin of the penis is inverted and used as the neo-vagina, and the scrotum is used to create the inner and outer labia. A segment of the head of the penis is used to create the clitoris. Minimal depth vaginoplasty is very much the same without creating a vaginal canal. Externally, they both look similar. I healed pretty well, with the only real issue being a persistent infection that has since cleared up. As an aside, I have it on good authority that the end results look natural.

I went into the hospital on a Tuesday and back home on the following Thursday, only three days in the hospital. The quick turnaround is standard for this surgery done at Denver Health. When I was released, I had a packing in my vaginal canal and a catheter. I didn’t have much pain and only rarely used the pain killers I was prescribed. Most of my pain was controlled by over-the-counter pain medications. My first visit back to the doctor was just a week after my surgery. This was to have the packing and catheter removed. Now, I can’t tell you how much of a relief getting the catheter out was. The packing was uncomfortable, but the catheter was just plain maddening. It interfered with my ability to sleep. It was always in the way and had to be regularly emptied. The same day I also had my first physical therapy appointment. This is where I was taught how to dilate. Dilation uses a hard plastic phallus to maintain the diameter and depth of the new vaginal canal, and for the first twelve weeks, I had to dilate three times a day. Now, before you ask, now it is not fun; it is stretching the tissues in order to keep the space that was created by the doctor from closing up. After twelve weeks, I was able to go down to twice a day, and I’ll keep that up through nine months, and then only once a day. At a year, I can dilate one to three times a week.

These are the mechanics of the process, have the surgery, heal, and live the rest of my life. There is so much more than that when going through transition. I have been on hormone replacement therapy for better than five years, so my transition has been going on for a while. During that time, I grew breasts, dressed in women’s clothing, and used the lady’s room.

This brings us to all the other stuff. Having gender confirmation surgery is undoubtedly an important step, but it is not the fix for all the problems you may be experiencing. Those problems will all still be there to deal with. What the surgery does is remove one of the issues common to gender dysphoria, which is hating your body. There may be other surgeries that a transgender person wants to have done, or they may not want to make any changes to their bodies. These are very personal decisions. I chose to have the surgery I did because I wanted to make sure to have the most physically challenging surgery as soon as I could, even though it meant that I did not alter those physical attributes that identified me as transgender.

All of the insecurities that I had before the surgery are still there. My face is too masculine, and my breasts are too small. I look at my body and see only the imperfections. You know the ones I’m talking about, our weight, our appearance, how we compare to all the others in our world. Those are all still there; my surgery didn’t take them away. I am not ashamed to admit that I see a therapist, not specifically for my gender dysphoria, but because life is hard, and sometimes, I need to have someone to talk to.

When I first started writing this blog entry, I had a general idea of what I wanted to say, I slightly went off the rails, but that’s okay. I do not regret my surgery. When I woke up in the recovery room, it was like there was a huge weight lifted from my chest (tiny boobs, remember); I had made it past one of the biggest hurdles in my transition. I was happy and kept on smiling through my recovery. That is not to say that I didn’t have hard days, but I know I made the right decision for me.

 

Hugs and kisses

Vicki

The fear of moving forward

I haven’t written in a long time. I can always find an excuse not to write, but I woke up this morning way too early and had this thing bouncing around in my head, and I just needed to put it ours there.

I’m scared. And I mean all the time. Some of that fear is easy to overcome, I’m scared to walk out of the door in the morning, so I walk out of the door, nothing bad happens, and I move on with my day. I’m scared to put myself in social situations. I have a friend who sadly moved away, that would invite me to her “Girl’s Nights“ I was scared to go, but I went, and I had fun, and I was accepted. I play on a women’s rugby team; I won’t tell you how scared I was going to my first practice or my first game. I almost baled on both! This is the day to day fear that goes along with being me. That’s not the fear I want to talk about.

The fear I want to talk about is the fear that keeps me from moving forward. It’s crippling. It is the fear of taking that final step. So, just a little background, I don’t pass, and that’s okay. Passing or not passing is a personal choice and is an entire blog post on its own. Suffice it to say that I would love to look more feminine than I do. Starting with a face that looks entirely too masculine to boobs that I wish were just a little bit bigger to other parts of my body that do not match who I am. There are days when I have body dysphoria so bad that I spend it on the verge of tears. Almost anything will trigger it, from looking at clothes that I wish I could carry off wearing to sitting quietly and thinking. There is a fix for this; my employer provides coverage for transgender individuals. I can get my face fixed, and my other body issues taken care of. Here is where that fear comes in. I’m scared to do it! I know that I am a woman… There is no doubt in my mind what so ever… But I am scared to go through with that next step.

I've already made changes to my body, some of them irreversible, but it’s the last step that I cannot take. There is some fear of the surgeries themselves, and I know the recovery times are long and pain-filled, but it’s not the fear of the pain that’s stopping me. In my head, I tell myself that I can’t afford it, even with the insurance, but that’s not it either. You see my fear is two-fold, and it the fear of the unknown, it is being afraid that by taking this next step that I would somehow lose the most important people in my life. This fear is irrational. I know that my wife loves me and she has chosen to stay with me because of that love. I know that my friends and family won’t abandon me, they just want to see me happy. None of that matters in my own head. All of the worst-case scenarios play out in my head. I can’t even take the first step.

I know that there will come a time when the need to move forward will overpower the fear of the next step, but in the meantime, fear keeps me where I am.

Hugs and kisses

Vicki

Rugby, Anyone?

We live in a world where we are expected to fit in, this is true for transgender women as well. We are expected to "pass." For those that don't know, passing is where you look like a cis-gendered woman to the extent that if you don't tell anyone, people don't know that you're trans. A lot has been written about passing in other places, so I’ll leave you this:

               

I would if I could, but I can’t, so I shan't.

Now down to the purpose of this post. I like rugby (do you understand my blurb on passing?). It’s much more entertaining than American football. I like it so much that I want to play. Now as a trans woman, you need to make sure of a number of things if you want to play a sport, most important among them, are you allowed to.  So, I spent some time on Saturday searching for and finding a local woman’s rugby club and found that they are looking for players for the new season. I chatted with the woman monitoring their Facebook page and discussed possibly trying out. I was upfront about my transgender status and my age. I told her that my fitness level left a lot to be desired and that my talents in the sport were dubious, and yet she still wanted me to come out, she was very welcoming.

She wasn’t sure of the rules from her rugby union regarding transgender players but thought that there may be a hormone replacement requirement of six months. Folks, I got that hands down. Since I’m a naturally curious person I decided to do a little research on my own and found that USA Rugby does not have an independent policy on transgender women playing, instead, they use World Rugby’s gender policy (https://assets.usarugby.org/docs/medical/Gender_Policy_EN.pdf) Which stipulates that in order for a transgender person to play on a team that matches their gender, the player will have had have undergone gender confirmation surgery. I was crushed! Here was a welcoming group where I might have fit in and I can’t play due to a policy that was put in place more than ten years ago. Even the Olympics have no surgical requirements, just hormones.

Now in the interest of fairness, World Rugby does say on their website, that they are going to review their transgender policy after the Olympic Committee changed their rules (http://playerwelfare.worldrugby.org/?documentid=175). 

What it comes down to, for me, is that I want to play. I’m sure that some of you out there will think that I would have an unfair advantage. Medical research indicates that that is not the case (Jones, Arcelus, Bouman, & Haycraft, 2017). I’m not going to get into all of the medical reasoning, but I want to point out that I would not be the largest, tallest, or fastest player on the field.

Back to my desire to play rugby, the person I talked to still want’s me to a practice, for me that’s a win. I may not be able to play this year, but maybe, just maybe, there is hope for the future.

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

References

Jones, B. A., Arcelus, J., Bouman, W. P., & Haycraft, E. (2017). Sport and Transgender People: A Systematic Review of the Literature Relating to Sport Participation and Competitive Sport Policies. Sports Medicine (Auckland, N.z.), 701-716.

A New Year

Hello world!

Well, we made it to the start of a new year. Now, I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions, but this year I decided to make myself some promises.

First: I will stop giving in to my fears. I realized a long time ago that I will never be beautiful, or even pretty. I do not pass. I doubt I ever will. So, wearing what I want, going where I want, whenever I want, will be my mantra.

Second: I will not dress my age. I mean really, what does that even mean? I'm not going to wear something that makes me look like I"m trying to be 15 again, but if I want to wear leggings, I'm wearing leggings. If that super cute dress is above the knee... time to show off my knees.

Third: This one will be the hardest, I will be open, and honest with everyone, about anything. I may refuse to answer a question, but I won't be insulted by it (Hopefully)

Hugs and kisses, Vicki

It's morning in Colorado, and I've been thinking

Hello World!

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything, this is not because I don’t have anything to say, but rather because I feel so overwhelmed by the noise and hatred that seems to populate the world.

I’ve been out as a transgender woman for about three years now; this is the first time that I am concerned. Don’t get me wrong; I have never had a bad experience as a trans woman in public. Aside from a few stares and questioning looks nothing. I am the exception, and I know it. I have come to expect that every time I leave the house, I am going to be accosted in some way. That is the sad part in all this; it’s not the act that’s the problem it’s the fear and anticipation of the act that affects me. When I sit alone in a restaurant or coffee shop, I anticipate that someone will make a snide or hurtful comment. I go to the grocery store, and every glance is a potential attack.

This has led me to the point of questioning the wisdom of being out. Could I have continued to live a closeted trans woman? Or would I have taken the path of 40% of us and attempted to take my life? I know, for me, regardless of how hateful society has become, I made the right decision. I chose to live my life a toe person I truly am, and no one can take that from me.

So, let’s get back to that fear. If you know a transgender person or even know of a transgender person, let them know that you are not their enemy. You don’t need to be their friend, but just showing them that you are willing to leave them in peace, helps immensely to reduce the stress of not conforming to societal norms. If you have questions, ask. We don’t bite, and if we don’t want to talk about something, we’ll let you know. What’s under our clothes is our business, just like what’s under your clothes is your business, If we’re not going to get naked and sweaty together, neither of us needs to know the other’s particulars.

Oh, and as a reminder, being transgender is not a mental illness, it is a condition where the person you are when you close your eyes is not the person you see when you open your eyes and look in the mirror. There are a number of different ways that I can justify my Knowledge of my true gender. There are brain autopsies that show that the brains of transgender individuals are structurally like those of the gender that they identify with. There are a number of different studies that show that being transgender is something you are born with. When you get right down to it though, none of that matters, what matters is that I am living an authentic existence as a woman.

One last thing, if you have a question of me, ask. I am not afraid to talk about my experience.

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

Trans Day of Visibility

I’m posting this a bit early, but I don’t think anyone is going to complain. March 31st is Transgender Day of Visibility. Well, here I am. Shocker, I know.

I came to my realization late in life, I was in my 50’s. That’s not to say that I didn’t know much earlier in life that there was something that didn’t fit. I kept deflecting and blaming other things for never fitting in to the male ideal. I always found it easier to relate to women. I was never the quintessential man. Now, looking at all this, it doesn’t seem to add up to being transgender, what I don’t have the vocabulary for is the utter feeling of not fitting into the body I was born in, of never being able to relate to what was expected of me.

The day I started HRT, it was like my body said “Ahhh!” For the first time in my life I felt right. My body was finally in sync with my mind, well, sort of. I have not completed my journey, but I am getting there. It’s not a journey I’ve taken by myself, my family went on the journey with me, they have been supportive and accepting.

The sad truth is that I am very much the exception, coming out as trans usually means a loss of friends and family. Up to 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide. Being trans puts you at higher risk for losing your home and your job and don’t get me started on the danger of assault.
So again, here I am, I am trans, I will not hide, I will not disappear. I’m a firm believer that closets are for clothes, lots and lots of fabulous clothes.

Like Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.”
Love you all… Vicki

The Morning After

This morning I allowed myself to shed tears over the future, I gave into depression and hopelessness. I fear for my nation over the next four years. I fear for the lasting damage that can be done by an uncaring and abusive government. I’m sure I will be driven to tears more than just today, just like I’m sure I will never allow that feeling of hopelessness and depression to linger more than a moment.

The attitude and demeanor of a nation are shaped by those that lead it, given the history of the man now in the White House; the prognosis is not good. In his inaugural address, Mr. Trump stated that he was going to give power back to the people, I say we hold him to that promise with the strength and determination that saw this country win its independence, that we band together and support each other when hate and bigotry are arrayed against us, that we never turn a blind eye to injustice.

This election has awakened in me what had lain dormant for all these years, that is a deep wellspring of determination that my voice is heard. I am a transgender woman, no, I am a woman, I reject the need to label me as anything other than that. If you want to label me, call me brash, call me strong, call me friend, but you will never call me timid. My name is Vicki Pech, I am a woman, and it’s time for me to start roaring!

The Horny Dilemma

I have the opportunity to have my surgeries done for basically the cost of my annual maximum out of pocket from my insurance. Now this sounds fantastic, thrilling even, so why does it scare me so much? Some of my concerns are medical, the dangers involved in having major surgery. This is not what is holding me back. 

I am petrified. The sad truth is that when all of these procedures seemed to be pipe dreams, I could internalize my body dysphoria. I really don’t hate my body to the point where it upsets me to look at it, instead I’ll look at something external, an ad for underwear or swimsuits, and say to myself that it’s cute, then I get hit with the sledgehammer of a realization that I will never look right in whatever it is I’m looking at.

In a way, this harkens back to the distorted body image of the western world. As a woman, you have to look a certain way. As a woman of a certain age, you can no longer wear this or that. If you’re tall, you wear flats to seem shorter. If you’re short, you wear platforms to appear taller.

Circling back to the surgeries, in a way I second guess myself. Am I wanting to have the surgery to make my clothes fit better or am I doing it because not to do it will eventually push me over the edge? Until I figure this out, I can’t make the decision. So, in the meantime, I struggle.

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Another take on inclusion

     Inclusion, when we're talking about the LGBTQI community, refers to the inclusion in society as a whole. That’s not the inclusion I want to talk about today. Trans men and women often find ourselves alone and isolated simply because we are Trans. We may be shunned by friends and family; we may even lose our livelihood and homes. All in all, not a happy situation.

What I want to talk about is the regular day to day inclusion that can make all the difference in the world.  When we presented fully as our perceived genders, we were invited to parties and gatherings, well, most of the time. We were included in the lives of those around us. When we come out as trans that all stops to varying degrees. People are uncomfortable inviting us to their parties because we are so different. Now, here comes a further complication, what gatherings do we fit in to? Do you invite a Trans woman to a bridal or baby shower? Or a Trans man to go on a hunting or camping trip? Where do we belong?

       I know where I like to think where I belong, all of the above. I promise I won’t look dress like a drag performer for your party or event. I promise I won’t shy away from baiting a hook. And just another point when you think about that friend or family member that just came out as Trans, the person that you knew is still there, the personality that made you click with that person, to begin with, it still there, if anything more so because we are finally able to live the lives we always should have had; it’s just the outside that’s changing.

      So the next time you make out that list of people you want to include, don’t forget us.

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Are we going backwards?

I’m angry, and sad, and scared, and baffled. I you want to know why, just look at the news. Transgender people are being vilified. We are being told that our right to take care of a basic human need endangers others. That we are violating a basic right to privacy. Really? How is me going to the bathroom going to do any of that? I am not a threat; neither are other trans people. For the most part I am so scared to go to the bathroom that I go in, do my business, wash my hands and get out. I try not to make eye contact. I try to be as inconspicuous as possible. Endangering others? How so? So far the only non-trans men that are using the trans inclusive policies are those associated with that hate group the American Family Association, they are sending men to test the inclusive policy at Target stores. When you look at the news, the people that are in danger are the trans people of this country. Have you seen the video of the woman attacking the trans person on the subway while a train full of people did NOTHING?????

The reason that the suicide rate for trans people is so high is because was feel that we are alone in the fight and sometime it just gets too hard. The despair is too great. There is no one there to help us through it. I’m very lucky, I live in a state where there are protections in place, I work for a company that supports me, and I have a wife that loves me.

We are not the problem. When you look at the statistics, violence and abuse is most likely to come from a family member for from a person in a position of responsibility. It’s the coach, the uncle, the step-father, the teacher. I’m by no means lumping the good with the bad any more than I want to be associated with molesters and pedophiles.

For the first time since I came out at trans, I’m actually worried about my personal safety. I get more unfriendly looks than before. Think about it.

A point to ponder

I’m a glutton for punishment. That’s really the only way to describe it. I read the negative stories regarding transgender people in the news. You know the ones, they liken us to sexual predators and pedophiles and any number of other reprehensible things. Recently I’ve seen an uptick in referring to us as having a mental illness. Now I totally disagree with that concept, but let’s just take a moment to look at their argument. According to the people that say we have a mental illness, we should seek treatment in order to facilitate a cure. They imply that mental health professionals can help us become the man or woman we were born to be.

Guess what, that’s exactly what the counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists we go to see are already doing. They are doing it without the stigma of mental illness, they help us come to terms with the hardest realization of our lives, and they give us a course of treatment that does make us be the man or woman we were our entire lives. It’s just that what they help us see and become is not what the people that see us as mentally ill want us to be. We become our true gender. You see, I didn’t chose to be a woman, none of us chose to be transgender, if there was a choice, it was to live. For a great majority of us the choice is between transitioning or death. I choose to live, as my true self. 

 

Hugs and Kisses…

Vicki

Anniversary...

One year ago on March 1st Vicki walked into the call center for the first time. I had been out in the world before for at least six months  prior, but March 1st was the watershed moment for me when I crossed that last hurdle. Coming out at work was super hard, my imagination was on overdrive. I knew that my world would com crashing down on me and I would lose my job, my friends, etc... None of that happened of course. If anything is was more of a whimper than a bang. I am now approaching my third shift realignment as Vicki, another new team, and another group of people that are meting me for the first time.

In case you haven't guessed, this is rather stressful, it's easy to show up every day for the same people, you know how they are going to react and behave. Every time I put myself in a new situation or meet new people my mind immediately starts expecting the worst. Now this doesn't come to pass, well at least not to this point. I spend a lot of time worrying about things that never happen. It takes a lot of energy too, energy that I could be using to better effect elsewhere. Writing, or knitting, or sewing, things that I enjoy doing.

So this time I'm not going to worry, which is easier said than done, I am going to focus on the positives, I'll be able to spend more time with my family. I will be able to be more physically active. I'll be able to spend my energy on improving my world. So for this anniversary I am giving myself the gift of a positive outlook and the knowledge of a bright future...

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

Little cuts

As a child I was taught that as humans we had a certain responsibility to be considerate of each other. I remember being taught that if you can't say anything nice to not say anything at all. The problem in today's world is that that is no longer stressed or has been pushed aside. This becomes all the more an issue if you're transgender because it's not just the intentional slights that we get to deal with but the the unintended ones and the ones we put on ourselves. One day I look in the mirror and I'm content with what I see, then another and I see every flaw. I watch something on TV that has a happy ending or positive situation for a trans character and I am happy and sad and jealous all at the same time.

I have learned to ignore the sideways looks and stare. The whispers behind hands. I expect these things, they are part of my every day life.

What get's to me is not the everyday stuff, it's the one-offs, The unintentional missgendering. It's happened at work with people that have known me only as Vicki, it happened at a restaurant the other night, that slip of the tongue that's like that paper cut. It's not going to kill me, but they build up, one on top of the other, they come from all sides, from friends, from family, from strangers, one after another, after another... There is a security guard at the building that I work at that every time I get close to the front door, he gets up from his desk and walks away. Not an overt act but hurtful none the less. As trans men and women we are judged by the ideals of the genders we present as, the perfect man or woman, we stop being humans and become our genitals, all you have to do is look at the anti-trans rhetoric out there, according to some I am a predator or a pedophile, a freak. Can you imagine going somewhere and having at least a few of the people there consider you a thing, less than human. I am not what they imagine me to be, I'm not saying this to get pity, It's just one more thing that I have to be prepared for. I know I don't match the feminine ideal, I have to say though that I see women every day that don't either. I don't judge them, I am just looking for the same consideration.

 I came to this late in life, I was 50 before I accepted myself and it took another three years to start doing something about it. This is not a trip we take alone, our families come with us as well either in support or in opposition, but the ride we're on is a group one. I have been lucky, I have the love and support of my amazing family, but all too many of us are cast aside. This is not something we choose, the choice we have is to be ourselves or die. I choose to be me, I am happy to be who I am. When one of my sisters saw the pictures I have posted of my true self on Facebook, she commented that I looked happier than she'd seen me be before... One kind word can make all he difference... I am happy...

Hugs and Kisses...

Vicki

A WOW moment

I had the most amazing experience the other day. A woman that I had known when we were both much younger sent me a message on Facebook. The message absolutely blew me away.

It left me speechless... And it has made my day, my week, even my year, and it will be something I will revisit when I start getting down on myself. It was positive message in a time when it seems that negativity rules in the world. One positive statement, one happy thing to hold on to, can make all the difference in the world. I'm lucky in that my friends and family are supportive, but there are too many others out there that aren't as lucky as I am. Think about it, one little statement is all it takes. If I think through my day, how many times each day, with my interactions with others, can I say or do something that will make their day a little more positive? How will that positive mindset towards others impact me? Will it make me more positive? It's a snowball and we may be just the beginning of it, that first flake (punny right?) that grows and grows rolling down the hill.

Be that flake... I intend to...

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Time to catch up

It's been six months that I've been full time. Is that right, six months? Time flies. Being out at work was my last hurdle and I crossed it on March 1st. There was quite a bit of trepidation  on that first day, by that time I had been working there for better than a year, so this was a major change. Other than a couple of asides or non-specific comments it's been a smooth transition. I work in a call center and the company I work for does a shift bid every six months, so I just started with my second realignment as Vicki. I did have some nerves the first day of this new shift and team, but it was wasted effort because it went well.

I also went to my sister's wedding, it was the first time any of my extended family had met me as Vicki. I was so scared... Also for naught... I have an amazing family, accepting and loving. The only time I felt uncomfortable was wearing a swimsuit, I know the visual is just to much. The discomfort was all mine. The wedding was an awesome affair, the bride stunning and the groom obviously in love... I wish them all the best.

Right now my biggest challenge is the glacial pace of change at this point in my transition. I keep thinking I'm running a sprint when in actuality I'm just in the beginning stages of a marathon. I'm just too impatient to be a marathon runner, I want it all now! I should know better, I'm not exactly a teenager, but damnit I've been waiting most of my life to finally be me that every minute spent getting there feels like time stolen from me. See, there I go being melodramatic.

I'm finally at a point in my life when I can say that I'm on the right path. I have to force myself to take my time and enjoy the journey, I need to stop and smell the flowers along the way, to relish what I'm growing into. Most of my generation will change careers at this stage in their lives, in my case I am changing too, but in a much more profound and fundamental way in that I'm becoming the me I should have always been. I did a bit of looking at my family tree, my aunt's first child was a girl, my uncle's first child was a girl, my father's first child from his second marriage was a girl, now I know enough about biology to understand how random the gender of a child is, but I can't help thinking that I should have been a girl too...

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

The trip

In a couple of days I am going to embark on another first in my life. It will be the first time that I travel as my true self. I am not afraid to admit that I am nervous, I will be flying to Ohio for my sister's wedding. Now my nervousness is not related to this being the first time that most of my extended family will meet Vicki, it will go how it goes, people will think what they think, and they will accept me or not. This is their choice. I have no choice but to be who I am. I just don't want to be a distraction, this is my sister's wedding, I want the focus to be on her and her husband-to-be.

My nervousness mainly comes from the travel. So, a little history, I have been making long trips in airplanes since I was very young. I have traveled to countries where I didn't speak the language, I traveled on my own and with my family.  In other words, I have plenty of experience with travel and airports. I will have a lengthy layover in Atlanta, longer coming back than going and it's those layovers that concern me. I'm stressing over the bathroom to use, and where do I hang out waiting for my next flight... I know I'm just being paranoid, but I can't help it. I have gotten my gender marker changed on my driver's licence, so at least that will make things a bit easier. I guess that my concern really comes from the fact that I will not be in familiar surroundings and situations. I'll just have to get over it.

Hugs...

Vicki

The Support Group

I went to a transgender support group this evening, not my first by any means, but I was struck by a feeling of not fitting in. I found it rather odd.  I had been going to this same group for a couple of years now and knew most of the attendees, if not by name then by sight. So it wasn't being a stranger in a new situation that was the issue. So now I'm sitting here on my porch, drinking a coffee and listening to the rain on the porch roof. I find that there is a certain feeling of rightness with the rain  on the roof.  For me it's this primal feeling of being home. As some of you know I live in Colorado, a surprisingly dry place, but I grew up in southern Texas and was born in northern Germany. This is important when you consider that in their own way they are both wet places. Hamburg was cold and wet. The rain would make the world feel clean and fresh. It seemed to amplify and enhance the wonderful smell of baking bread from the end of the block at my grandparents place. Much the same can be said for Houston, except Texas was warmer and I played in the rain. 

The it's a purpose the my rambling about rain, the rain helps me think, it let's me look inside myself to see what's there and today it helped me see that the problem was not the group, the problem was me, I had changed, I was more confident and accepting of myself. I'm not going to abandon the group, but rather I am going to see it with new eyes and different expectations.

When I started there I had convinced myself that I was"just" a cross dresser, when I went tonight it was after a year of HRT and close to three months of being full time. I have changed drastically. I have come out to friends and family and have been accepted by both. I came out at work with nary a ripple in the atmosphere there. I have gained confidence, to the extent that it significantly exceeds anything I ever experienced as a man. 

I know I am lucky, so many trans people are cast aside by their families, abandoned by spouses and children, that is not my lot, I have a fabulous family, and their love and support makes me stronger. 

So, this evening, listening to the rain, I am content. To my family, thank you cannot fully express my gratitude but it will have to suffice until the right word comes along. To my friends, know that your acceptance means the world to me....

Love Vicki 

one week on. ..

So,  it's been a week now. All my paranoia was for naught. If there are people that are offended by my new status, they are keeping it to themselves. The dreaded bathroom has not been an issue, mainly because it seems that I'm going when no one else is. Now I realize that it's not really a test if I'm the only one in the bathroom,but on the other hand I am using the bathroom that corresponds to my gender expression. I  am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel that it has almost been too smooth a tradition. I'm not trying to jinx myself, but I expected something and so far is been anticlimactic.

The counterpoint to that is that the company I work for its very supportive of LGBT persons. In any case, I'm thrilled with how is gone.  I really have to thank all the people in my life that have supported me and continue to support me on this journey.  I love you all!

Hugs. ...

Vicki

The final obstacle

My first inkling that I was different was around the age of five or six. There had been several other incidents throughout the years but I spent the years fighting against it. It took me until my fifties to come to grips with being transgender. I have finally reached the point in my life where I am confident enough to be me.

That pivotal part of my journey has begun. This past Sunday I came out at work. Work was that final hurdle I had to overcome and I did it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared, I'm still scared, but I overcome the fear every day and every day it gets better and easier. All in all my experience at work has been great. I have great co-workers and an awesome supervisor and the company I work for fosters an environment of acceptance.

I'm  happy, thrilled, excited.

Hugs and kisses

Vicki

Listening to the radio

There's a line in a song that goes:

          "What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us?"

Well, according to my recollection of the Bible, he is, we were made in his image. I'm not a religious person, I haven't attended church services in a very long time and quite frankly I have no intention of starting now. Having said that, as a trans person it behooves us to know what ammunition is being used against us, it just takes a simple search of the internet to get plenty of religious quotes that cover being trans; by my count there are 6 total, three in support of my gender choice two against, and one neutral (my interpretation). By my count that puts the in support of in the lead (simple math in my book). To tell he truth, I don't care, The bible is open to interpretation, we can start with the statement that we are created in God's image, in that case, god made me this way and am I not going against his plan by rebelling against how he made me? More importantly, there are quotes in the bible that support transgender expression, most specifically Galatians 3:28 "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave[a] nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

There are so many more problems in the world, so many more greater sins. Where are the protests against greed and gluttony? Could it be that the people that protest against me having equal rights are more interested in getting fat and rich than they are in saving souls? If they point the finger at me then they are looked at with the same scrutiny. It's call misdirection, magicians and charlatans have been using it to trick people for eons.

Just remember "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" my sins are between me and my God, whoever he or she may be.

Hugs...

Vicki