I haven’t written in a long time. I can always find an
excuse not to write, but I woke up this
morning way too early and had this thing bouncing around in my head, and I just needed to put it ours there.
I’m scared. And I mean all the time. Some of that fear is
easy to overcome, I’m scared to walk out of the door in the morning, so I walk
out of the door, nothing bad happens, and I move on with my day. I’m scared to
put myself in social situations. I have a friend who sadly moved away, that
would invite me to her “Girl’s Nights“ I was scared to go, but I went, and I had
fun, and I was accepted. I play on a women’s rugby team; I won’t tell you how scared I was going to my first practice or
my first game. I almost baled on both! This
is the day to day fear that goes along with being me. That’s not the fear I
want to talk about.
The fear I want to talk about is the fear that keeps me from
moving forward. It’s crippling. It is the fear of taking that final step. So,
just a little background, I don’t pass, and
that’s okay. Passing or not passing is a personal choice and is an entire blog
post on its own. Suffice it to say that I would love to look more feminine than
I do. Starting with a face that looks entirely too masculine to boobs that I
wish were just a little bit bigger to other parts of my body that do not match
who I am. There are days when I have body dysphoria so bad that I spend it on
the verge of tears. Almost anything will trigger it, from looking at clothes
that I wish I could carry off wearing to sitting quietly and thinking. There is
a fix for this; my employer provides
coverage for transgender individuals. I can get my face fixed, and my other
body issues taken care of. Here is where that fear comes in. I’m scared
to do it! I know that I am a woman… There is no doubt in my mind what so ever… But I am scared to go through with that next
step.
I've already made changes to my body, some of them irreversible,
but it’s the last step that I cannot take. There is some fear of the surgeries
themselves, and I know the recovery times
are long and pain-filled, but it’s not the fear of the pain that’s stopping me.
In my head, I tell myself that I can’t afford it, even with the insurance, but
that’s not it either. You see my fear is two-fold, and it the fear of the
unknown, it is being afraid that by
taking this next step that I would somehow lose the most important people in my
life. This fear is irrational. I know that my wife loves me and she has chosen
to stay with me because of that love. I know that my friends and family won’t
abandon me, they just want to see me happy.
None of that matters in my own head. All
of the worst-case scenarios play out in my head. I can’t even take the first
step.
I know that there will come a time when the need to move
forward will overpower the fear of the next step, but in the meantime, fear keeps me where I am.
Hugs and kisses
Vicki
