I was afraid to go to sleep on August 31st. I was
scared I was going to miss the alarm the next morning. The alarm that was going
to start me on the way to Denver for my surgery. This day had been a long time
coming. When I was first put on the waiting list, it was going to be three
years before I could have my gender confirmation surgery. Three years to wait to
have my body and mind in harmony. Then I got a call; my surgery had been moved
up. It was going to happen in June or 2020. The time was cut in half! Then more
good news, it would now be in April! Well, we all know what happened around
that timeframe. The dumpster fire that was 2020 was starting to rear its ugly
head. I was driving to Denver for my pre-operative appointment when I got a
call from the clinic telling me that my appointment had been canceled and that my
surgery was postponed until November. I was going to have to wait another six
months, and even that was tentative. I was crushed, and the news sent me down a
depressive spiral that I’m still working my way out of.
In the long run, things worked out, the stars aligned, and
my surgery was scheduled for September 1st. So, here we are, where I
started this, worrying on the last day of August that I wasn’t going to wake up
on time and miss my appointment. Luckily, and with the help of my wife, I
didn’t sleep through the alarm. We both got up and did all the prep that I had
to do before my surgery, and we made it to the hospital with time to spare. We
were still in a time of COVID, so my wife wasn’t allowed to be with me in the
pre-op room, they did let her be in the surgical waiting room, though, and the
surgical team did keep her advised of how things were going. The surgery was
scheduled for six hours, but it was finished in under five. Dr. Hyer, my
surgeon, told me more than once that I was an overachiever, starting with the
surgery and continuing through my recovery in the hospital.
So here comes the medical part; you can skip this paragraph
if you want. I know that some might read this that find these topics uncomfortable.
There are variations in the surgery. These differences vary from surgeon to
surgeon and have their roots in the surgeon that taught them (there are a lot
of surgeons in that sentence). In my case, Dr. Hyer learned from Dr. Marcy
Bowers, who has been doing this surgery for decades. I opted for a full-depth
vaginoplasty, the other option being a minimal depth vaginoplasty. The
technique that was used was a penile inversion. This is where the skin of the
penis is inverted and used as the neo-vagina, and the scrotum is used to create
the inner and outer labia. A segment of the head of the penis is used to create
the clitoris. Minimal depth vaginoplasty is very much the same without creating
a vaginal canal. Externally, they both look similar. I healed pretty well, with
the only real issue being a persistent infection that has since cleared up. As
an aside, I have it on good authority that the end results look natural.
I went into the hospital on a Tuesday and back home on the
following Thursday, only three days in the hospital. The quick turnaround is standard
for this surgery done at Denver Health. When I was released, I had a packing in
my vaginal canal and a catheter. I didn’t have much pain and only rarely used
the pain killers I was prescribed. Most of my pain was controlled by over-the-counter
pain medications. My first visit back to the doctor was just a week after my
surgery. This was to have the packing and catheter removed. Now, I can’t tell
you how much of a relief getting the catheter out was. The packing was
uncomfortable, but the catheter was just plain maddening. It interfered with my
ability to sleep. It was always in the way and had to be regularly emptied. The
same day I also had my first physical therapy appointment. This is where I was
taught how to dilate. Dilation uses a hard plastic phallus to maintain the
diameter and depth of the new vaginal canal, and for the first twelve weeks, I had
to dilate three times a day. Now, before you ask, now it is not fun; it is
stretching the tissues in order to keep the space that was created by the
doctor from closing up. After twelve weeks, I was able to go down to twice a
day, and I’ll keep that up through nine months, and then only once a day. At a
year, I can dilate one to three times a week.
These are the mechanics of the process, have the surgery, heal,
and live the rest of my life. There is so much more than that when going
through transition. I have been on hormone replacement therapy for better than
five years, so my transition has been going on for a while. During that time, I
grew breasts, dressed in women’s clothing, and used the lady’s room.
This brings us to all the other stuff. Having gender confirmation
surgery is undoubtedly an important step, but it is not the fix for all the
problems you may be experiencing. Those problems will all still be there to
deal with. What the surgery does is remove one of the issues common to gender
dysphoria, which is hating your body. There may be other surgeries that a
transgender person wants to have done, or they may not want to make any changes
to their bodies. These are very personal decisions. I chose to have the surgery
I did because I wanted to make sure to have the most physically challenging
surgery as soon as I could, even though it meant that I did not alter those physical
attributes that identified me as transgender.
All of the insecurities that I had before the surgery are
still there. My face is too masculine, and my breasts are too small. I look at
my body and see only the imperfections. You know the ones I’m talking about, our
weight, our appearance, how we compare to all the others in our world. Those
are all still there; my surgery didn’t take them away. I am not ashamed to
admit that I see a therapist, not specifically for my gender dysphoria, but
because life is hard, and sometimes, I need to have someone to talk to.
When I first started writing this blog entry, I had a
general idea of what I wanted to say, I slightly went off the rails, but that’s
okay. I do not regret my surgery. When I woke up in the recovery room, it was
like there was a huge weight lifted from my chest (tiny boobs, remember); I had
made it past one of the biggest hurdles in my transition. I was happy and kept
on smiling through my recovery. That is not to say that I didn’t have hard
days, but I know I made the right decision for me.
Hugs and kisses
Vicki
