Little cuts

As a child I was taught that as humans we had a certain responsibility to be considerate of each other. I remember being taught that if you can't say anything nice to not say anything at all. The problem in today's world is that that is no longer stressed or has been pushed aside. This becomes all the more an issue if you're transgender because it's not just the intentional slights that we get to deal with but the the unintended ones and the ones we put on ourselves. One day I look in the mirror and I'm content with what I see, then another and I see every flaw. I watch something on TV that has a happy ending or positive situation for a trans character and I am happy and sad and jealous all at the same time.

I have learned to ignore the sideways looks and stare. The whispers behind hands. I expect these things, they are part of my every day life.

What get's to me is not the everyday stuff, it's the one-offs, The unintentional missgendering. It's happened at work with people that have known me only as Vicki, it happened at a restaurant the other night, that slip of the tongue that's like that paper cut. It's not going to kill me, but they build up, one on top of the other, they come from all sides, from friends, from family, from strangers, one after another, after another... There is a security guard at the building that I work at that every time I get close to the front door, he gets up from his desk and walks away. Not an overt act but hurtful none the less. As trans men and women we are judged by the ideals of the genders we present as, the perfect man or woman, we stop being humans and become our genitals, all you have to do is look at the anti-trans rhetoric out there, according to some I am a predator or a pedophile, a freak. Can you imagine going somewhere and having at least a few of the people there consider you a thing, less than human. I am not what they imagine me to be, I'm not saying this to get pity, It's just one more thing that I have to be prepared for. I know I don't match the feminine ideal, I have to say though that I see women every day that don't either. I don't judge them, I am just looking for the same consideration.

 I came to this late in life, I was 50 before I accepted myself and it took another three years to start doing something about it. This is not a trip we take alone, our families come with us as well either in support or in opposition, but the ride we're on is a group one. I have been lucky, I have the love and support of my amazing family, but all too many of us are cast aside. This is not something we choose, the choice we have is to be ourselves or die. I choose to be me, I am happy to be who I am. When one of my sisters saw the pictures I have posted of my true self on Facebook, she commented that I looked happier than she'd seen me be before... One kind word can make all he difference... I am happy...

Hugs and Kisses...

Vicki

A WOW moment

I had the most amazing experience the other day. A woman that I had known when we were both much younger sent me a message on Facebook. The message absolutely blew me away.

It left me speechless... And it has made my day, my week, even my year, and it will be something I will revisit when I start getting down on myself. It was positive message in a time when it seems that negativity rules in the world. One positive statement, one happy thing to hold on to, can make all the difference in the world. I'm lucky in that my friends and family are supportive, but there are too many others out there that aren't as lucky as I am. Think about it, one little statement is all it takes. If I think through my day, how many times each day, with my interactions with others, can I say or do something that will make their day a little more positive? How will that positive mindset towards others impact me? Will it make me more positive? It's a snowball and we may be just the beginning of it, that first flake (punny right?) that grows and grows rolling down the hill.

Be that flake... I intend to...

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Time to catch up

It's been six months that I've been full time. Is that right, six months? Time flies. Being out at work was my last hurdle and I crossed it on March 1st. There was quite a bit of trepidation  on that first day, by that time I had been working there for better than a year, so this was a major change. Other than a couple of asides or non-specific comments it's been a smooth transition. I work in a call center and the company I work for does a shift bid every six months, so I just started with my second realignment as Vicki. I did have some nerves the first day of this new shift and team, but it was wasted effort because it went well.

I also went to my sister's wedding, it was the first time any of my extended family had met me as Vicki. I was so scared... Also for naught... I have an amazing family, accepting and loving. The only time I felt uncomfortable was wearing a swimsuit, I know the visual is just to much. The discomfort was all mine. The wedding was an awesome affair, the bride stunning and the groom obviously in love... I wish them all the best.

Right now my biggest challenge is the glacial pace of change at this point in my transition. I keep thinking I'm running a sprint when in actuality I'm just in the beginning stages of a marathon. I'm just too impatient to be a marathon runner, I want it all now! I should know better, I'm not exactly a teenager, but damnit I've been waiting most of my life to finally be me that every minute spent getting there feels like time stolen from me. See, there I go being melodramatic.

I'm finally at a point in my life when I can say that I'm on the right path. I have to force myself to take my time and enjoy the journey, I need to stop and smell the flowers along the way, to relish what I'm growing into. Most of my generation will change careers at this stage in their lives, in my case I am changing too, but in a much more profound and fundamental way in that I'm becoming the me I should have always been. I did a bit of looking at my family tree, my aunt's first child was a girl, my uncle's first child was a girl, my father's first child from his second marriage was a girl, now I know enough about biology to understand how random the gender of a child is, but I can't help thinking that I should have been a girl too...

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

The trip

In a couple of days I am going to embark on another first in my life. It will be the first time that I travel as my true self. I am not afraid to admit that I am nervous, I will be flying to Ohio for my sister's wedding. Now my nervousness is not related to this being the first time that most of my extended family will meet Vicki, it will go how it goes, people will think what they think, and they will accept me or not. This is their choice. I have no choice but to be who I am. I just don't want to be a distraction, this is my sister's wedding, I want the focus to be on her and her husband-to-be.

My nervousness mainly comes from the travel. So, a little history, I have been making long trips in airplanes since I was very young. I have traveled to countries where I didn't speak the language, I traveled on my own and with my family.  In other words, I have plenty of experience with travel and airports. I will have a lengthy layover in Atlanta, longer coming back than going and it's those layovers that concern me. I'm stressing over the bathroom to use, and where do I hang out waiting for my next flight... I know I'm just being paranoid, but I can't help it. I have gotten my gender marker changed on my driver's licence, so at least that will make things a bit easier. I guess that my concern really comes from the fact that I will not be in familiar surroundings and situations. I'll just have to get over it.

Hugs...

Vicki

The Support Group

I went to a transgender support group this evening, not my first by any means, but I was struck by a feeling of not fitting in. I found it rather odd.  I had been going to this same group for a couple of years now and knew most of the attendees, if not by name then by sight. So it wasn't being a stranger in a new situation that was the issue. So now I'm sitting here on my porch, drinking a coffee and listening to the rain on the porch roof. I find that there is a certain feeling of rightness with the rain  on the roof.  For me it's this primal feeling of being home. As some of you know I live in Colorado, a surprisingly dry place, but I grew up in southern Texas and was born in northern Germany. This is important when you consider that in their own way they are both wet places. Hamburg was cold and wet. The rain would make the world feel clean and fresh. It seemed to amplify and enhance the wonderful smell of baking bread from the end of the block at my grandparents place. Much the same can be said for Houston, except Texas was warmer and I played in the rain. 

The it's a purpose the my rambling about rain, the rain helps me think, it let's me look inside myself to see what's there and today it helped me see that the problem was not the group, the problem was me, I had changed, I was more confident and accepting of myself. I'm not going to abandon the group, but rather I am going to see it with new eyes and different expectations.

When I started there I had convinced myself that I was"just" a cross dresser, when I went tonight it was after a year of HRT and close to three months of being full time. I have changed drastically. I have come out to friends and family and have been accepted by both. I came out at work with nary a ripple in the atmosphere there. I have gained confidence, to the extent that it significantly exceeds anything I ever experienced as a man. 

I know I am lucky, so many trans people are cast aside by their families, abandoned by spouses and children, that is not my lot, I have a fabulous family, and their love and support makes me stronger. 

So, this evening, listening to the rain, I am content. To my family, thank you cannot fully express my gratitude but it will have to suffice until the right word comes along. To my friends, know that your acceptance means the world to me....

Love Vicki 

one week on. ..

So,  it's been a week now. All my paranoia was for naught. If there are people that are offended by my new status, they are keeping it to themselves. The dreaded bathroom has not been an issue, mainly because it seems that I'm going when no one else is. Now I realize that it's not really a test if I'm the only one in the bathroom,but on the other hand I am using the bathroom that corresponds to my gender expression. I  am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel that it has almost been too smooth a tradition. I'm not trying to jinx myself, but I expected something and so far is been anticlimactic.

The counterpoint to that is that the company I work for its very supportive of LGBT persons. In any case, I'm thrilled with how is gone.  I really have to thank all the people in my life that have supported me and continue to support me on this journey.  I love you all!

Hugs. ...

Vicki

The final obstacle

My first inkling that I was different was around the age of five or six. There had been several other incidents throughout the years but I spent the years fighting against it. It took me until my fifties to come to grips with being transgender. I have finally reached the point in my life where I am confident enough to be me.

That pivotal part of my journey has begun. This past Sunday I came out at work. Work was that final hurdle I had to overcome and I did it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared, I'm still scared, but I overcome the fear every day and every day it gets better and easier. All in all my experience at work has been great. I have great co-workers and an awesome supervisor and the company I work for fosters an environment of acceptance.

I'm  happy, thrilled, excited.

Hugs and kisses

Vicki