I have the opportunity to have my surgeries done for basically the
cost of my annual maximum out of pocket from my insurance. Now this sounds
fantastic, thrilling even, so why does it scare me so much? Some of my concerns
are medical, the dangers involved in having major surgery. This is not what is holding me back.
I am petrified.
The sad truth is that when all of these procedures seemed to be pipe dreams, I
could internalize my body dysphoria. I
really don’t hate my body to the point where it upsets me to look at it,
instead I’ll look at something external, an ad for underwear or swimsuits, and
say to myself that it’s cute, then I get hit with the sledgehammer of a realization
that I will never look right in whatever it is I’m looking at.
In a way, this harkens back
to the distorted body image of the western world. As a woman, you have to look a certain way. As a woman of a certain age, you can no longer wear this or that. If
you’re tall, you wear flats to seem shorter. If you’re short, you wear
platforms to appear taller.
Circling back to the surgeries, in a way I second guess myself. Am I wanting to have the surgery to make my
clothes fit better or am I doing it because not
to do it will eventually push me over the edge? Until I figure this out, I can’t make the decision. So, in
the meantime, I struggle.
Hugs and Kisses
Vicki
Vicki while your struggles are unique and not something I would every be able to truly understand, I do understand your internal struggle to make such a big decision. Second guessing ourselves & our motives, I think, is something uniquely female. My heart is with you. Ruth S.
ReplyDeleteSo, I know absolutely nothing about you, but I saw this post on reddit, and thought I'd give my 2 cents. I had GCS this summer, and beforehand had many of the same misgivings as you. Eventually, I came to realize that, if I can get it done, and I think it would do more good than harm, why not? I didn't hate my body, but I was uncomfortable with it. Clothes didn't fit well. I'd still show as male on some legal documents and employers could find out. I could get flagged going through TSA. None of those things had huge effects on my life, but they were inconveniences, and I decided that fixing them, no matter how minor they may be, was worth it.
ReplyDeleteNow, here's what you must ask yourself: Are you made uncomfortable by your own body? Could you be inconvenienced by not having these surgeries? And, if any of these things are true, are you willing to deal with the recovery process from the surgeries that will help with them? It's not the worst recovery, but it is long.
Good luck
First let me say that I love the post made at 10:33.
ReplyDeleteVicki, I'm not sure that either of the reasons you mention are why you have surgery. Many people look at the surgery as a kind of confirmation. Rather than focus on how you look on the outside compared to any Western ideal, focus on how you feel INSIDE as a woman. Does the surgery help confirm that feeling for you? Your focus needs to be an internal one. That is difficult for all women, but you need to embrace and love that beautiful woman you see in the mirror--the same way the rest of us who love you see you.
Oh, I agree, transitioning is not a choice made for vanity, and the surgeries are more than just making one look better in the clothes you wear. The internal battle we fight is to have everything mesh. That's different for everyone, for myself, I'm still trying to figure it all out.
Delete