Realizations

I recently did a down and dirty review of "She's Not There" by Jennifer Boylan. I didn't give you any meat and potatoes to go along with it, and I won't here either... Read the book ;)

After finishing the book I was down and dejected and confused (not a glowing recommendation I know, but it wasn't the book's fault). I really didn't understand why. I still find it difficult to verbalize what and why I was feeling the way I did. I've slowly come to piece it together.

 Firstly, and most profoundly, this is a book written from the point of view of a transgender person. Not a psychologist, not a spouse, but the person themselves. The nature of our condition is such that we live in secret, we hide our need to change genders not just from the outside world but ourselves as well. It took me 40 odd years and some pushing and prodding from others to come to grips with my need to dress and I know I'm not alone in this. With that as a background, is it any wonder that there are very few voices tell our story? We need to tell these stories, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, because if we don't we will never be heard and we will continue to live in the shadows and be marginalized. We will continue to be victims. To tell you the truth, I'm scared, I'm scared of what my friends, family, and co-workers will think of me when they find out, and eventually, they will, no secret is forever.

I also came to realize that although Jenny's story is not my story, there are many similarities. When I look back at my life, I had always been a loner. I never really fit in with my peer group. I was always a little odd. I attributed it to having grown up in Germany, I came here not speaking English. The town we moved to was quite small, a few hundred families in a farming and ranching community, this added to my isolation, I hadn't grown up with these people, I would always be the outsider, "the little German boy". This wasn't out of meanness or spite, it just was. As I grew older and started exploring dressing, the feeling of wrongness I experienced was just attributed to that earlier feeling of not belonging. I was one big ball of outsider-ism... All of these feelings kept me from being open and honest with myself and kept me from realizing who and what I am. Jenny's book brought that all crashing down around my ears, here was someone that was an outsider like I was and for the same reason... OMG I was not alone!!!

I'm reading the book for a second time, taking more time with it, hoping for more profoundities...

I'll keep you all posted!