It's morning in Colorado, and I've been thinking

Hello World!

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything, this is not because I don’t have anything to say, but rather because I feel so overwhelmed by the noise and hatred that seems to populate the world.

I’ve been out as a transgender woman for about three years now; this is the first time that I am concerned. Don’t get me wrong; I have never had a bad experience as a trans woman in public. Aside from a few stares and questioning looks nothing. I am the exception, and I know it. I have come to expect that every time I leave the house, I am going to be accosted in some way. That is the sad part in all this; it’s not the act that’s the problem it’s the fear and anticipation of the act that affects me. When I sit alone in a restaurant or coffee shop, I anticipate that someone will make a snide or hurtful comment. I go to the grocery store, and every glance is a potential attack.

This has led me to the point of questioning the wisdom of being out. Could I have continued to live a closeted trans woman? Or would I have taken the path of 40% of us and attempted to take my life? I know, for me, regardless of how hateful society has become, I made the right decision. I chose to live my life a toe person I truly am, and no one can take that from me.

So, let’s get back to that fear. If you know a transgender person or even know of a transgender person, let them know that you are not their enemy. You don’t need to be their friend, but just showing them that you are willing to leave them in peace, helps immensely to reduce the stress of not conforming to societal norms. If you have questions, ask. We don’t bite, and if we don’t want to talk about something, we’ll let you know. What’s under our clothes is our business, just like what’s under your clothes is your business, If we’re not going to get naked and sweaty together, neither of us needs to know the other’s particulars.

Oh, and as a reminder, being transgender is not a mental illness, it is a condition where the person you are when you close your eyes is not the person you see when you open your eyes and look in the mirror. There are a number of different ways that I can justify my Knowledge of my true gender. There are brain autopsies that show that the brains of transgender individuals are structurally like those of the gender that they identify with. There are a number of different studies that show that being transgender is something you are born with. When you get right down to it though, none of that matters, what matters is that I am living an authentic existence as a woman.

One last thing, if you have a question of me, ask. I am not afraid to talk about my experience.

Hugs and Kisses,

Vicki

Trans Day of Visibility

I’m posting this a bit early, but I don’t think anyone is going to complain. March 31st is Transgender Day of Visibility. Well, here I am. Shocker, I know.

I came to my realization late in life, I was in my 50’s. That’s not to say that I didn’t know much earlier in life that there was something that didn’t fit. I kept deflecting and blaming other things for never fitting in to the male ideal. I always found it easier to relate to women. I was never the quintessential man. Now, looking at all this, it doesn’t seem to add up to being transgender, what I don’t have the vocabulary for is the utter feeling of not fitting into the body I was born in, of never being able to relate to what was expected of me.

The day I started HRT, it was like my body said “Ahhh!” For the first time in my life I felt right. My body was finally in sync with my mind, well, sort of. I have not completed my journey, but I am getting there. It’s not a journey I’ve taken by myself, my family went on the journey with me, they have been supportive and accepting.

The sad truth is that I am very much the exception, coming out as trans usually means a loss of friends and family. Up to 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide. Being trans puts you at higher risk for losing your home and your job and don’t get me started on the danger of assault.
So again, here I am, I am trans, I will not hide, I will not disappear. I’m a firm believer that closets are for clothes, lots and lots of fabulous clothes.

Like Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.”
Love you all… Vicki

The Morning After

This morning I allowed myself to shed tears over the future, I gave into depression and hopelessness. I fear for my nation over the next four years. I fear for the lasting damage that can be done by an uncaring and abusive government. I’m sure I will be driven to tears more than just today, just like I’m sure I will never allow that feeling of hopelessness and depression to linger more than a moment.

The attitude and demeanor of a nation are shaped by those that lead it, given the history of the man now in the White House; the prognosis is not good. In his inaugural address, Mr. Trump stated that he was going to give power back to the people, I say we hold him to that promise with the strength and determination that saw this country win its independence, that we band together and support each other when hate and bigotry are arrayed against us, that we never turn a blind eye to injustice.

This election has awakened in me what had lain dormant for all these years, that is a deep wellspring of determination that my voice is heard. I am a transgender woman, no, I am a woman, I reject the need to label me as anything other than that. If you want to label me, call me brash, call me strong, call me friend, but you will never call me timid. My name is Vicki Pech, I am a woman, and it’s time for me to start roaring!

The Horny Dilemma

I have the opportunity to have my surgeries done for basically the cost of my annual maximum out of pocket from my insurance. Now this sounds fantastic, thrilling even, so why does it scare me so much? Some of my concerns are medical, the dangers involved in having major surgery. This is not what is holding me back. 

I am petrified. The sad truth is that when all of these procedures seemed to be pipe dreams, I could internalize my body dysphoria. I really don’t hate my body to the point where it upsets me to look at it, instead I’ll look at something external, an ad for underwear or swimsuits, and say to myself that it’s cute, then I get hit with the sledgehammer of a realization that I will never look right in whatever it is I’m looking at.

In a way, this harkens back to the distorted body image of the western world. As a woman, you have to look a certain way. As a woman of a certain age, you can no longer wear this or that. If you’re tall, you wear flats to seem shorter. If you’re short, you wear platforms to appear taller.

Circling back to the surgeries, in a way I second guess myself. Am I wanting to have the surgery to make my clothes fit better or am I doing it because not to do it will eventually push me over the edge? Until I figure this out, I can’t make the decision. So, in the meantime, I struggle.

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Another take on inclusion

     Inclusion, when we're talking about the LGBTQI community, refers to the inclusion in society as a whole. That’s not the inclusion I want to talk about today. Trans men and women often find ourselves alone and isolated simply because we are Trans. We may be shunned by friends and family; we may even lose our livelihood and homes. All in all, not a happy situation.

What I want to talk about is the regular day to day inclusion that can make all the difference in the world.  When we presented fully as our perceived genders, we were invited to parties and gatherings, well, most of the time. We were included in the lives of those around us. When we come out as trans that all stops to varying degrees. People are uncomfortable inviting us to their parties because we are so different. Now, here comes a further complication, what gatherings do we fit in to? Do you invite a Trans woman to a bridal or baby shower? Or a Trans man to go on a hunting or camping trip? Where do we belong?

       I know where I like to think where I belong, all of the above. I promise I won’t look dress like a drag performer for your party or event. I promise I won’t shy away from baiting a hook. And just another point when you think about that friend or family member that just came out as Trans, the person that you knew is still there, the personality that made you click with that person, to begin with, it still there, if anything more so because we are finally able to live the lives we always should have had; it’s just the outside that’s changing.

      So the next time you make out that list of people you want to include, don’t forget us.

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Are we going backwards?

I’m angry, and sad, and scared, and baffled. I you want to know why, just look at the news. Transgender people are being vilified. We are being told that our right to take care of a basic human need endangers others. That we are violating a basic right to privacy. Really? How is me going to the bathroom going to do any of that? I am not a threat; neither are other trans people. For the most part I am so scared to go to the bathroom that I go in, do my business, wash my hands and get out. I try not to make eye contact. I try to be as inconspicuous as possible. Endangering others? How so? So far the only non-trans men that are using the trans inclusive policies are those associated with that hate group the American Family Association, they are sending men to test the inclusive policy at Target stores. When you look at the news, the people that are in danger are the trans people of this country. Have you seen the video of the woman attacking the trans person on the subway while a train full of people did NOTHING?????

The reason that the suicide rate for trans people is so high is because was feel that we are alone in the fight and sometime it just gets too hard. The despair is too great. There is no one there to help us through it. I’m very lucky, I live in a state where there are protections in place, I work for a company that supports me, and I have a wife that loves me.

We are not the problem. When you look at the statistics, violence and abuse is most likely to come from a family member for from a person in a position of responsibility. It’s the coach, the uncle, the step-father, the teacher. I’m by no means lumping the good with the bad any more than I want to be associated with molesters and pedophiles.

For the first time since I came out at trans, I’m actually worried about my personal safety. I get more unfriendly looks than before. Think about it.

A point to ponder

I’m a glutton for punishment. That’s really the only way to describe it. I read the negative stories regarding transgender people in the news. You know the ones, they liken us to sexual predators and pedophiles and any number of other reprehensible things. Recently I’ve seen an uptick in referring to us as having a mental illness. Now I totally disagree with that concept, but let’s just take a moment to look at their argument. According to the people that say we have a mental illness, we should seek treatment in order to facilitate a cure. They imply that mental health professionals can help us become the man or woman we were born to be.

Guess what, that’s exactly what the counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists we go to see are already doing. They are doing it without the stigma of mental illness, they help us come to terms with the hardest realization of our lives, and they give us a course of treatment that does make us be the man or woman we were our entire lives. It’s just that what they help us see and become is not what the people that see us as mentally ill want us to be. We become our true gender. You see, I didn’t chose to be a woman, none of us chose to be transgender, if there was a choice, it was to live. For a great majority of us the choice is between transitioning or death. I choose to live, as my true self. 

 

Hugs and Kisses…

Vicki