I find myself in a bout of self reflection, again unsure of my path in life. I've read a number of books and articles on transgenderism and transsexualism and predominantly the person writing has a definite self awareness of being in the wrong body. They know (or at least claim to know) beyond any shadow of a doubt that they need to transition. I envy their certainty, I don't have that. In my case it may just be a function of coming so late to the realization that I'm more comfortable in women's clothes, I didn't start wearing them until three years ago, at the age of fifty. Oh I played around, wearing my mother's castoff clothes (I was a lot skinnier back then), but that didn't have the same impact on me as my more recent foray into dressing. Currently I come home from work, give my wife a hug and a kiss, and head to the bedroom to get "comfortable". These days getting comfortable means a tank top, skirt, and breast forms. I skip the makeup and wig, there’s little need since we usually stay home.

I have come to the realization that I am me, the same person regardless of the clothes I wear. This simple fact is what leads me to my insecurity and makes me question myself... If I am always "me" then why do I need to dress? Why do I feel incomplete and out of place until I change my clothes? What is driving me in this direction? I don't know. I wonder if this is the clue that tells me that I need to be Vicki full time (yes I mean transitioning). On the other hand it could be an indication that I don't, that I can thrive in this sort of limbo I find myself in. I really don't know, and more frightening is that I don't know how to find out or make that decision. I am going to a counselor to try and work through this, to come to that point where I can be decisive about my gender. At least that's what I hope will be the end result!