Too late to come out

My father passed away early in the morning on December 18th. My father was the last person on my list to tell about being transgender, I never got the chance to do so. I held off because he was having surgery and I wanted him to concentrate on getting better and now it's too late. This is not a post about his life, our relationship, or my sadness at his passing.

It had been my intention to tell him like I told the rest of my family, by email. Now I know that using email seems like a cop-out, but it's not. Using email (or snail mail) does one thing that calling or doing it in person do not allow for, and that's the opportunity for the other party to think and consider before having to react.

I have been working on the letter to dad for months, since I will never be able to give it to him I want to post it here to share with the universe, and maybe it can help others...

This email is similar to one that I sent my other family members to let them know:

Dad,

I have something to tell you and I'm going to start with a little story as I remember it. I'm not sure of the year or how old I was at the time, but in my mind I was 4 or 5. It was was around Christmas and we were at K's. A and B decided that we were going to put on a little Christmas play. It was decided that I was going to be a donkey or reindeer or something of the sort. In the process of deciding on my costume they decided that I was going to wear a leotard of some type and tights... I fought against it, as though just the thought of it was terrifying. Eventually they got me into what they wanted me to wear. Once they had me dressed, I calmed down and felt a certain peace, it fit, it felt right. In a way, since that time I have been searching for a return to that feeling. In my teens I discovered an enjoyment and comfort in wearing women's clothing. Over time I came to realize that it was not a fetish but a fundamental need to make my outside reflect my inner feelings.

In the end, what it comes down to is that I'm transgender. This is something inherent and not due to any external influences, nothing B and A did made me this way. It's nothing that you and Mom did when I was growing up. This is something that has always been there, something I've battled my entire life. In a lot of ways it's like being left handed. Being left handed doesn't mean that you can't use your right hand. The more you practice the more proficient you become. You can hide the fact, you can even convince everyone that you're right handed, but no matter how long you work at it and try, it will never feel completely right and you will go back to using your left hand. That's where I am now. I have decided that I can no longer lie to myself or the people I love. In order to become right in my own life, I am starting hormone therapy. How that all plays out is difficult to tell at this point, but eventually I will be living full time as a woman.

There are many different interpretations of the word “transgender” and I want to let you know what it means to me, the context from which I am speaking. To me it means that the “me” I feel inside is not reflected by my external sexual characteristics. Gender and sex are two very different things, as I have come to realize. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Here is where things get complicated and confusing, I don't "feel like a woman" any more than I "feel like a man", I feel like me and I feel right, comfortable, and happy presenting as female. Please understand, I am not a drag queen, I'm not flamboyant and over the top. Ideally I want to be able to go about in the world unnoticed, as if I have presented as a woman since birth. I do not want to stand out. I just want to live an everyday life, looking as I see myself in my mind's eye.

N and I have been working through what this all means to us and our relationship. We do know that we love each other and have no desire to go our separate ways.
I have also talked to the girls, both of whom know. They have been understanding and supportive.

I know you probably have a lot of questions. I will do what I can to answer them. Please understand that I am still trying to come up with answers for myself and may not have instant answers for your questions. I know that N and the girls will also be there for you.
There are also a number of resources online that contain helpful information, one of them is:

http://conversations-with-a-gender-therapist.com
Dara is a local therapist and is very involved with the TG community. She is working closely with all sorts of agencies to spread the word about what being transgender means, and what it does not mean. Transgender is not a familiar concept to most of the community at large, and the more accurate information there is out there, the better it is for everyone.

There are also a number of really good news articles:

This first article is about a 5-yr old boy who actually lived just south of us. The article is very accurate about being TG. It also presents a viewpoint of the “religious” objections to being TG.

http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/about-a-girl-coy-mathis-fight-to-change-change-gender-20131028



This article is about a rock musician's first year living full time as a woman, and includes input from her wife and daughter.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/exclusive/laura-jane-grace-first-year-as-a-woman

Dad, the thing that most concerns me is that you know that I love you.
Know that I will always be the same person. The person that you raised is not changing, only how I present myself to the world.



I know this is a lot to take in, and that it's coming at you rather suddenly. Write back or call me when you've had some time to think about it all. This is not something I have chosen. It rather chose me instead. I don't think I can be complete and live honestly with myself, or peacefully with myself, without pursuing HRT.



I love you Dad.




U (Vicki)
.