A goodbye...

Today's post is not about dressing, to day I want to talk about something off topic, but I need to share it in any case... Fifteen years ago, my spouse and I took into our family a new addition. She was all cute and fuzzy and wiggly, and we decided to call her Belle. We had to go back twice, but she was the one. The place was Pets on Parade, it was located at a now defunct pet food store here in town, the event occurred once a month and allowed people to bring their animals to a location for sale. I don't remember what we paid for her, my spouse has a better head for numbers and such, but I can tell you that she was worth every penny. She filled our lives with love and joy and play. Belle was a Blue Merl Australian Shepard and we love her.

The reason I bring this up is that we had to let her go yesterday, she was no longer able to support her own weight, eating had become a challenge, and she was deaf. It pained us to watch her rapid deterioration, but we were hopeful that with medications she would bounce back, she didn't. It became our chore to decide for her that it was time, it became our expression of the love we felt for her to be with her as she slipped away from us...

We love you Belle, and we miss you... I hope you are chasing all the squirrels you want and have great big bed to sleep in...

I find myself in a bout of self reflection, again unsure of my path in life. I've read a number of books and articles on transgenderism and transsexualism and predominantly the person writing has a definite self awareness of being in the wrong body. They know (or at least claim to know) beyond any shadow of a doubt that they need to transition. I envy their certainty, I don't have that. In my case it may just be a function of coming so late to the realization that I'm more comfortable in women's clothes, I didn't start wearing them until three years ago, at the age of fifty. Oh I played around, wearing my mother's castoff clothes (I was a lot skinnier back then), but that didn't have the same impact on me as my more recent foray into dressing. Currently I come home from work, give my wife a hug and a kiss, and head to the bedroom to get "comfortable". These days getting comfortable means a tank top, skirt, and breast forms. I skip the makeup and wig, there’s little need since we usually stay home.

I have come to the realization that I am me, the same person regardless of the clothes I wear. This simple fact is what leads me to my insecurity and makes me question myself... If I am always "me" then why do I need to dress? Why do I feel incomplete and out of place until I change my clothes? What is driving me in this direction? I don't know. I wonder if this is the clue that tells me that I need to be Vicki full time (yes I mean transitioning). On the other hand it could be an indication that I don't, that I can thrive in this sort of limbo I find myself in. I really don't know, and more frightening is that I don't know how to find out or make that decision. I am going to a counselor to try and work through this, to come to that point where I can be decisive about my gender. At least that's what I hope will be the end result!

Awake again, I've had another one of those nights when my brain will not stop. I should actually be out running, but instead I sit in front of my computer and blog, lucky you :)

Our couples counselor pointed out to us (Yes I am married. Yes she knows) that taking all the random thoughts we have and inviting them for tea is a problem. I do this really well, I invite them in, feed and nurture them, give them a nice comfortable place to live where they can spread the toxic fumes. I have entire conversations in my head, the whole "If I had only said this then you would have said that, and I would have been the winner" conversation. These things lead us nowhere, they are not productive in any sense of the imagination and only work to further our own fears and phobias.

So, I have decided to work on evicting them, one by one, it's going to be hard and messy and painful. They've been there so long that they have become a fixture in my mind...

Now I know you're asking yourself, what does this have to do with cross dressing or trangenderism, well, think about it, when it comes time to tell someone, what do you do? I know what I do, I have the entire conversation in my mind, I know every response they are going to give, except that I don't, and in the end I never have the conversation because I've scared myself out of it. This is unfair to the person and toxic to me (Or you). It really comes down to respecting them enough to let them make their own decision, some will accept you, some will reject you. That is their decision.

What most people never recognize is that the person we are every day, and have been for most of our lives isn't changing, but rather is being given the chance to see the light of day. I don't have a split personality, one of the male and the other female, I have one and it is there all the time. So when Vicki is around, I'm still me...

Okay, enough of this early morning rambling...

Hugs and Kisses... Vicki

A new conundrum

Which is the costume? I've been spending some time thinking about that. I get up in the morning and put on my work clothes, almost like I did when I was in the Army wearing my uniform. I don't feel uncomfortable in them, I don't feel out of place or wrong. When I get home, I change into my girl clothes, this is my relaxation and unwinding time. I'm dressed the rest of the night until bedtime, here is where the issues arise. I don't want to take off the clothes and the breast forms... It's like I'm taking off Vicki... I know that I can put the clothes back on the next day.

I know it sounds like a small thing, and it only lasts for a few moments as I'm undressing, but it feels so much more significant.

And when did you.... ?

Good morning world, yes it is morning here in Colorado, way too early morning. I found that I couldn't sleep any more, my mind was all too active. How did I end up like this, why am I trans? The truth is I don't know, it certainly wasn't a choice. I mean, who would choose this? It affects everyone in your life, and by no means is it a positive thing. I sets you up for ridicule and discrimination. A lot of people won't understand and when we don't understand something, we tend to marginalize it.

I was watching a student video on Youtube the other day, the interviewer was asking people on the street some simple questions, first "Is being gay a choice?" and of course there are a wide range of answers, the ones that the interviewer was interested in were the ones where the person answered "yes". Now we know that sexual orientation is not a choice (at least I hope we do), the follow-up question for these people then became, "And when did you choose to be straight?". 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJtjqLUHYoY 

The responses were amazing, in some you could almost hear the click when they come to the realization that it's not a choice. So let me ask you, when did you choose your gender :)

Hugs and Kisses

Vicki

Realizations

I recently did a down and dirty review of "She's Not There" by Jennifer Boylan. I didn't give you any meat and potatoes to go along with it, and I won't here either... Read the book ;)

After finishing the book I was down and dejected and confused (not a glowing recommendation I know, but it wasn't the book's fault). I really didn't understand why. I still find it difficult to verbalize what and why I was feeling the way I did. I've slowly come to piece it together.

 Firstly, and most profoundly, this is a book written from the point of view of a transgender person. Not a psychologist, not a spouse, but the person themselves. The nature of our condition is such that we live in secret, we hide our need to change genders not just from the outside world but ourselves as well. It took me 40 odd years and some pushing and prodding from others to come to grips with my need to dress and I know I'm not alone in this. With that as a background, is it any wonder that there are very few voices tell our story? We need to tell these stories, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, because if we don't we will never be heard and we will continue to live in the shadows and be marginalized. We will continue to be victims. To tell you the truth, I'm scared, I'm scared of what my friends, family, and co-workers will think of me when they find out, and eventually, they will, no secret is forever.

I also came to realize that although Jenny's story is not my story, there are many similarities. When I look back at my life, I had always been a loner. I never really fit in with my peer group. I was always a little odd. I attributed it to having grown up in Germany, I came here not speaking English. The town we moved to was quite small, a few hundred families in a farming and ranching community, this added to my isolation, I hadn't grown up with these people, I would always be the outsider, "the little German boy". This wasn't out of meanness or spite, it just was. As I grew older and started exploring dressing, the feeling of wrongness I experienced was just attributed to that earlier feeling of not belonging. I was one big ball of outsider-ism... All of these feelings kept me from being open and honest with myself and kept me from realizing who and what I am. Jenny's book brought that all crashing down around my ears, here was someone that was an outsider like I was and for the same reason... OMG I was not alone!!!

I'm reading the book for a second time, taking more time with it, hoping for more profoundities...

I'll keep you all posted!

Things that make you go "Hmmmm"

Why is the focus on "Same-sex Marriage"? Don't get me wrong, I strongly believe that all of us are entitled the same rights and marriage is among them, but it misses the point. Being treated equally regardless of our gender expression or sexuality is much more important. The focus needs to be on equal rights for all of us regardless of our minority. To my mind, overturning DOMA is much more profound and important.

Let's talk about the bathroom issue. Somehow a transgendered person going to the bathroom is supposedly a sexual event. Now think this through, for most trans people the simple act of going to the bathroom is an exercise in courage. The last thing we want to do is stand out. Assuming that it has anything more to do than voiding our respective bladders is preposterous. If it were true then the same would have to apply the gays and lesbians; but that's not the case for them any more than it is for us. (I'm sure that some of you will take offense at the thought) 

Did you know the for most of the country, I could be fired or evicted from my home just for being transgender... Think about that.