A first for me

I started dressing and going out in public as Vicki a while ago, I don't have the exact date because I tend to not tack these sorts of things. That's my nature. If I want to remember a specific day or date I have to make a concerted effort to do so. I'm on hormone replacement therapy, a milestone in the life of a trans person, I couldn't tell you the date without doing the research. How I am now, how I feel now, these are more important things than the dates in question. I know that what I am doing is right for me, more than that it is something that I have to do to be the person I should always have been. I still have my doubts, I expect that I always will, but then how is that different from everyone else?

What started this train of thought was a shopping trip I made today. Now I have been shopping a number of times at all sorts of stores. In this case it was one of those warehouse stores. We had run out of kitty litter other things and needed more. While I was in the store, wandering around, I decided to look for mozzarella, my wife is making lasagna tomorrow and we needed some. I rounded the corner at the cheese isle and there, right at the end I needed was an individual dressed as a biker talking to a woman who had a couple of kids with her. I am used to getting looks, I am tall, and as I said in a previous post, I do not easily pass. This time it was different, I can't put a finger on why, but it was. For the first time ever I felt palatable disgust from another individual. Now it may have been my imagination and I have to admit that nothing was said to me by this individual and other that the usual double-takes as I walk by no other reactions. I do have to say that it really shocked me, my reaction shocked me. I felt myself at the edge of tears as I drove home, that was how strong my reactions was.

As a group, we face the possibility of attack for simply being. We are subjects of ridicule and disdain. Society sees us as the punchline in a joke. Like all such groups, we are portrayed are sub-human and as such we do not share in the same rights and privileges as the rest of society. In our group we have those that rise to the top and are able to excel in spite of our perceived lack of status and in our group there are those that due to situation or circumstance, sink to the bottom. The majority of us live in the area between the two extremes wishing for nothing more than happiness and acceptance. Our measure of success is not standing out but to blend in. We want to be seen as the gender we are changing ourselves into. I have decided that for me that is no longer possible. I don't mean that I can't pass, or that I refuse to pass, but rather that passing is not the goal, being me is the goal. I do not want to dissapear, I want to stand and be counted, I am trans, I am happy, and I refuse to fade away.

I am lucky, I found acceptance, in my wife, daughters, parents, siblings, and the friends I have made along the way. So on this evening before Thanksgiving I want to say thank you to all of those wonderful people in my life that are willing to accept me as I am, flaws and all. Know that I love and cherish every one of you.

Hugs....

Vicki