Well, I just took a look at how long is been since my last post, better than a year. That's way too long! I will still only write when I have something to say, I expect that will be more often than once a year.
A lot has happened over the year, a change in employment, coming out to friends and family, as well as starting hormones. A busy year indeed. This past year has shown me who my friends are and the strength of character and love of my family.
To begin with the job thing, I will keep it simple and straightforward, I made a mistake, I was let go, I found new employment. Now I'm sure you all know that is really not all that simple, but the important part was not the job loss, rather it was what it allowed me to do. For the first time I was able to spend extended periods of time presenting as female. When I wasn't interviewing, I was Vicki. It was frightening. I did what I could to change my appearance. I wore a wig, kept my head down, never looked anyone in the eye. Every time I went out I expected to have someone call me out. I did it though, I had to. I was never confronted, I did get some looks, and I'm sure was the subject of some jokes behind shielded hands or after I left. I am not the most feminine looking woman in the world, I am too tall (5' 10", thank god for old age, I was 6' tall as a teenager), my hands are too big, and my face too masculine. These are all things that I cannot change so I accept them and make the best of what I have, I have great legs! Eventually I lost the fear and now I go into the world proudly and without the wig and only minimal makeup. I am who I am and I am confident of my ability to go out into the world at large as female now. All of this was due to the loss of my job, as devastating as it was at the time, I am better off as a result.
I won't mince words here, coming out is the hardest thing I have ever done, and it's also been one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Coming out to my wife was hard and easy at the same time. I was still trying to figure out who I was and she was with me on that journey. I'm not saying that it was without it's bumps and hiccups. There were tears and recriminations and we both had to come to terms with the new realities and dynamics of our relationship. I have to say that if anything, my love for my wife had grown stronger than at any point in our relationship. My kids came next, I handled it poorly with my oldest daughter, initially it was hard for her to accept. My younger daughter, probably because of personal experience and exposure was better able to accept my transgender status. I am proud of my daughters, they are accepting and supportive and I love them bother dearly. The hardest of all of these conversations had to be with my mother. Now some of you might think that the manner in which I told her lacked courage, maybe it did, but I like to think that it allowed her to come to grips with what I was telling her without putting her in the position of having to come up with an immediate response to my news. I sent her an email. I spent days writing it, had my wife proofread it, and revised it a dozen times before I sent it off. The most difficult day of my life was the one I spent waiting for her to respond. It was a work day for me as well, making it even more difficult. When her response came it was in a text message, it contained three simple words, I love you. Her biggest complaint was that it took me so long to tell her. Since my coming out to my mother, I have told my siblings and stepmother; all of whom were understanding and accepting. I don't want to marginalize how important their acceptance was to me, the responses of my family members is overwhelming and heartwarming. There are so many heartbreaking stories of trans men and women being ostracized and disowned by their families that I can't tell you how much my family's acceptance means to me. The last person I have to tell is my father, another difficult conversation for me. It will have to wait for the time being.
The hormones have been an eye opening experience. In some ways I feel that the mix of hormones in my system are now as they should have been all along, they feel right, I feel right.
Now, it's getting late, I'll be back soon...
Vicki!
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