Doubt

I started this evening's post without a subject. My intent was to allow my mind to wander freely without any constraints and just put down what I want. I got the idea from a book I'm reading called "Writing Down the Bones". I'm trying to jump start my creative side, I have a book in me somewhere and it needs to come out and see the light of day. This blog is just one avenue for me to express myself. This is a timeline for me, a sting of thoughts that reflect my state of being at the time I write them. Some days I am happier than others, and some days I'm more reflective that others, or deep, or silly, or whatever... You know what I mean.

Over the years I have lived with doubts, I doubted my abilities as an athlete, thus I did not continue swimming, I gave up when it was too difficult to make it to practice. I did the same academically, I gave up because I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough. I have consistently been my own worst enemy, sabotaging my own life and happiness. Now I bet you are wondering why I'm confessing my failures? Well folks, it has to stop sometime, and for me that time started when I accepted that I was trans. Well almost, it really took until recently for me to come to the understanding of what I was experiencing. I doubt myself every day, in my personal life as well as my professional one, this is nothing new for me. What is new for me is the understanding that I am the source of the doubt, this is not some external source telling me what a failure I am.

You may be asking yourself what this has to do with being Trans, on a very basic level, it is my doubt in myself that allows my fear to overcome my need to be myself. In other words, I am afraid so I don't do, and because I don't do, I am afraid. You can put whatever action in that last statement and it would be accurate. In my case, I am afraid to come out at work and because I am not out at work, I am afraid. This is very much a "Catch 22" type situation. Does this mean that I will come out at work, yes it does, the thing to work out now it the timing. Timing is everything.

That's all for now....

Hugs...

Vicki